CHAPTER 13 - REAL SCIENCE

Sindy arrived early at the boring science conference in the Heart of the Ocean Forum building. Sindy was quite interested in Professor Ora Fora’s paper ‘Time Inflation in Second Life.’ Sindy had watched the trailer on me-tube and was intrigued by the possibilities of time inflation. Things always seemed to be going faster and faster, especially the bad stuff thought Sindy. And the good stuff never seemed to last long enough. Perhaps there is some truth to this she though.

But this morning she had arranged an important interview. It was worth at least 8 column inches and if she could spin it right she had a Sunday supplement article of at least 400 small words.

She had managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Igor Eisenstein, Professor of Conventional Wisdom at the University of Sonogno. He was widely acknowledged on me-space as the smartest man in SL. Eisenstein was also the winner of the bronze medal and that made him hot stuff.

Sindy climbed the marble steps into the glass and steel Forum building and headed to the press lounge. A large expectant crowd had gathered and Sindy noticed that many held autograph books and brownies for snaps. She knew they were autograph books because most of them said ‘Autographs’ on the cover.

At the top of the stairs Sindy turned to the Press Room at the end of the glass and steel hallway. Sindy spied her journalistic rival Sally Snit from Second Life Today sitting on an overstuffed green couch. She was dressed in a bright red jump suit. Sindy laughed, Sally looked like a pimento stuffed into a huge olive. All she needed was vermouth and vodka. Eisenstein had not arrived yet and she was a bit early.

“Hi Sin,” said Sally as Sindy walked up.

“Hello Sally,” replied Sindy. “Did you get that dictionary I sent you?”

Sally winced. Sindy had sent Sally a full Oxford English Dictionary out of spite when Sally had won the famed Pubber award and Sindy had not even been nominated. Sindy felt bad about it later. Sindy had done it out of spite, because all writers at Second Life Today were not allowed to use any words more than five letters in length. It was their editorial policy and it was enforced. Yet Sally still won. Sindy used to tease Sally by asking questions that required more than six letters for an answer. Like ‘what’s an eight legged many eyed fanged creature that can bite you and lives in a web?’ To which Sally would reply after much thought ‘bug’. After a while it was not any fun so Sindy stopped being so catty.

“How’s the conference?” asked Sindy as she changed gears.

“Ok,” said Sally. “It’s nice, I guess.”

“Did you see Sadie Silverman’s pitch on ‘Proofs that Second Life is Really Flat and Not Round Like The Big Brainy People Say?’ asked Sindy.

“Nope,” replied Sally. “was takin my nap.”

Sindy almost said something about contractions, but then Sally probably didn’t know what a contraction was. Her editor certainly didn’t.

“Have you seen Eisenstein?” asked Sindy.

“Nope, no big brain here yet.” Replied Sally. Eisenstein was a 10 letter word and would therefore present problems for Second Life Today and for Sally. Sindy dropped the line of questions, and strolled to the far end of the Press Room and sat down in a blue chair.

In a few moments Professor Eisenstein came up the stair to the adulation of his adoring fans. Under each arm was a fetching young undergraduate of the female type. One was blond and one brunette. The girls were dressed in the usual undergraduate way, tight high riding thongs, holy jeans by Mr. Messiah, and very very tight tees. Emblazoned on the brunette’s thin white tee, across what must have been a 32 D, were the words “Science Sucks”. The other tee on the blond said “Engineers Do Me Better.”

Eisenstein was smiling ear to ear and was waving at his adoring audience. He paused to sign autographs and a small child stepped forward and asked him to sign her large lollypop. The brunette was obviously jealous of the child’s attention and tried to turn Eisenstein away toward some seniors who were both unattractive and wrinkly. But Eisenstein spotted the child and licked the lollypop for a few moments. The child looked in wonderment at the famous man and then Eisenstein returned the lollypop to the tiny hand. The child went running away crying and searching for its mother. The child was so overjoyed at the famous scientist’s attention that it had been reduced to tears.

“Professor Eisenstein, so good to see you again,” said Sindy.

Eisenstein wrinkled his forehead desperately trying to remember where he had met the redhead standing before him. Perhaps she had been one of his students he thought. But that could not be the case, because he would have remembered those breasts and curvy hips. He loved curvy hips. No, she had not been one of his students. Perhaps another scientist thought Eisenstein? No, she looks too intelligent for Second Life science he concluded.

Sindy could see the scientist’s discomfiture and she decided to stop teasing him.

“I’m Sindy Blazer of the Times,” she said. Sindy had never met Eisenstein before and she was practicing the journalistic art of making her interview target feel un-comfortable before she asked the killer question.

As they sat down in the Press Room Sindy noticed that the Professor had lipstick smeared all over his face and several hickies were apparent under his shirt collar. The two undergraduate bimbettes Eisenstein had dismissed with a little slap on their buts. A posterori and a priori thought Sindy. As they left Eisenstein had said “Now if you need help without your homework you know where to find the key!”

He turned to Sindy and began ogling Sindy’s assets. Sindy forgave him because science had that effect on men.

“I’d like to begin our interview with a few questions about the conference,” said Sindy.

Eisenstein broke his gaze and shook his head a moment as if to checkpoint and restart some remote part of his enormous brain.

“Ah yes, the interview.” Eisenstein said. “But first a small formality. A 2x2 headshot, in color, my abbreviated academic bio, a link to my me-space and me-tube sites, and at least 20 column inches.” He paused for a moment, “Oh and a photo spread of my latest advisees on page three of the Sun.”

“No problemo,” said Sindy lying through her teeth. “Now let’s get started. You know the formalities?”

“Yes, yes,” said Eisenstein, “your name, my name, your name, my name. It’s all so unscientific.”

The Times: Professor let me start by congratulating you on winning the bronze medal. That must have been a grate honor. How were you informed?

Eisenstein: Well it was the usual call in the dead of night. When I answered and some Swedish person began yelling and screaming I figured I’d won. I could not follow a word of it (laughter), but since there were no Swedish swear words I figured it must be the bronze.

The Times: And how do you intend to spend the 500 linden prize. A prize that I hear is VAT free.

Eisenstein: I have a special educational project for young undergraduate women. We simply don’t have enough women in the sciences, and I think that I can use this wonderful prize to mentor a few.

The Times: You find mentoring young women satisfying.

Eisenstein: Oh very, I especially like mentoring one on one, however one on two has many things to be said for it. Four of five at a time is best done in seminar format. By the time you do say, more than six at a time, it gets too formal and probably belongs in the classroom.

The Times: And which of the papers at the conference have you found most interesting and scientifically exciting?

Eisenstein: Well I especially liked Killey’s paper of ‘The Evaporative Dynamics Of Solid Coloring Matter Suspended in a Liquid Medium and Applied as a Protective or Decorative Coating to Various Surfaces, or to Canvas, Wood, Concrete, or Other Materials in Producing a Work of Art or Craft.’ A crackerjack paper that. Fascinating. I’m always getting my fingers colored whenever I see the warning sign ‘wet paint.’ I’m confident now that armed with the latest scientific data I can avoid this faux paw in the future.

The Times: And which paper was the most preposterous and unscientific of the lot?

Eisenstein: Well that’s hard to say. So many scientific papers these days are ‘unscientific’ if you know what I mean (chuckles). Probably the most silly was the Looby paper denying that Second Life is real. Such nonsense. Any enquiring mind can see through the application of Occam’s razor and perhaps some Gillogs shaving cream, that the world real. Its as real as this chair im sitting on. (chuckles.)

Oh yes and the secret sim paper was a real riot. I forget the idiot that presented it, but the very idea that sims could exist that we cannot see is just a barrel of laughs (guffaws). The argument between the realists and the nominalists was waged long ago and the outcome was in no doubt when virtual life was discovered. It had actually existed all along, but no one really knew which rock it was hiding under (laughs). No extreme rationalism is the order of the day. If an object cannot be grasped, tasted, clutched, or ‘$%#^%$’ then it does not exist (laughs). I’m sorry, can you use that last biological referent in your paper.

The Times: No

Eisenstein: In any event, there are no secret or hidden sims. Its impossible. Besides I serve on the Linden Labs Advisory Board for All Things Scientific and Lunch related and Id know if such a thing as secret sims existed. Or for that matter secret avatars. No they cannot exist.

The Times: And who is your favorite in the Eurovision song competition this year?

Eisenstein: I favor the Splats from Spain with their hot ditty “Buzz You, Buzz Me.” But I suspect that the Romanians will win again with that pop tart Labus singing “Bring Me a Toco Mr. Momo.”

The Times: What about the Finland’s Stumps or the Latvian Losers.

Eisenstein: I love the Stumps. Its great bed music, if you get my drift. But as for the Losers I really don’t like classical music. Anyway Latvia has won too many times before.

The Times: Any last thoughts for our dear readers Professor?

Eisenstein: Well, I just want everyone to know that the rumor about me and the siamese twins and doing it in the loathsome ‘Thai’ way are absolutely not true. Oh, and what are you doing after this interview?