CLISSA OVERSEER SPEAKS
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TIMES
Late last night we obtained via carrier pigeon an exclusive interview with The Overseer of Clissa, Barron von Thundergast. Ace Times reporter Al Externus conducted the interview from The State Home for Traitors and Spies. The Overseer arrived, at the exclusive residence of our intrepid reporter, dressed in a black bolero jacket in a loose bias cut mélange of silk Kevlar mix with the waist-length jacket open at the front to reveal his magnificent hairy cleavage. Shocking red Capri pants with a capacious straight cut were sensibly tapered to the mid-calf and tail. Accenting his attire was a riding crop by Dolce & Grabass, and knee high black patent leather books by Ferruginous.
Times: Argghhhhhheeeeoowwwwwwwwwww.
Overseer: Welcome to Clissa spy for decadent Handmaidens of Belial.
Times: I’m glad … Ahhhhheeee, gnfrk.
Overseer: Another poker please Igor, the one with the thingy on the end.
Times: I’m a journalist… oohhhhh. I’m not a Handmaiden.
Overseer: What have your Masters, the lovers of the Wicked One, asked you to sabotage in our Glorious Homeland, Munificent Nether Regions, and Home of the Missing Hummus?
Times: No! No! Not the thingy.
Overseer: Hahahahah. Confess to your crimes and we shall let you die.
Times: I didn’t do nothing …. Ennnngghik
Overseer: The Cheese Whiz Igor.
Times: No, not the Cheese Whiz!
Overseer: Hhahahaha. Confess!
Times: Yes, yes. I did it. I can’t take it any more.
Overseer: And what did you do?
Times: Ahh, I was a Handmaiden.
Overseer: Liar! You have no appendages nave of Ash-Shaytan.
Times: I confess, I did it.
Overseer: Igor, the feather duster please. The warm one with the vibratory licky thing.
Times: No, not the licky thing. I confess. Really I do. I did it. I did all of it.
Overseer: Sign this confession of your evil deeds miscreant Nose of Tyrus.
Times: I don’t have any hands.
Overseer: Sign and I will let you die. Hahahahahahh
Times: Can I sign with my foot?
Overseer: Fool! What has the King of Babylon asked you to destroy in Magnificent Clissa, Light of the Nether Regions, and Protector of the Unwashed.
Times: I’m a journalist, not a spy.
Overseer: Do you have a press pass?
Times: Yes, it’s in my hat.
Overseer: Can you get my picture in the Times?
Times: Yes, I brought my instamatic.
Overseer: Can I wear my boa?
Times: Yes you may.
Overseer: Well in that case…
(To be continued tomorrow)
BAFFLES COMPUTER me-PHONE DOES NOT WORK IN SL
Fans of Baffles Computer’s “me-me-me-me” products were angered today to learn that the highly anticipated “me-Phone” does not work correctly in Second Life. Last week avatars lined up in ones and two throughout SL’s numerous mercantiles and malls to be the first in their sim to get a hot me-Phone. Jobless Steves, disgraced CEO of Baffles Computer, inventor of “me-products”, had touted his new me-Phone through all of SL’s media outlets and escort services, and the hype surrounding the new product was intense. Unfortunately a number or problems have surfaced such as; the limited life of the squirrel in the energy wheel, and the ugly fact that the me-phone will not continually tell its owner of how attractive they are, how intelligent they have become since their purchase, and how much cooler they are than those who don’t have the me-Phone. Another appalling failure of the me-Phone is that the highly touted “call me” feature does not work, and the phone will not allow the owner to talk to themselves as claimed. This failure results in the embarrassing contact with another avatar therefore thwarting the very purpose of the me-Phone. We tried to contact a Baffles Computer spokesman, but she was not answering his phone.
MORE CRAZY HUMOR FROM THE SCIENCE CONFERENCE
The assembled geniuses and really smart people at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things, known as CSDAT, meeting held in the capital this week have seen a number of humorous and loopy ideas presented along with some serious proof’s for conventional wisdom. Today’s nutty suede-o-scientific theory was presented by Whitney “Half-Nelson” Lanfair daughter of famed chanteuse Brigit Nelson and playboy Chris Lanfair. The cause of all the merriment and laughter her paper entitled:” Proofs that Second Life is Really Flat and Not Round Like The Big Brainy People Say.” Whitney, who has a GED equivalent from the Sonogno School for Wayward Girls, was not into her presentation for more than a moment before the laughter and guffaws sounded through out the vast hall of Governor Linden. In research funded by the Flat Second Life Society Whitney humorously claimed that if Second Life were indeed round how could the “accepted” scientists explain the impossibilities of holding unsecured objects in place on a curved surface. To which Igor Eisenstein, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal, shouted “Yes, and how can you hold all those impossible ideas in such a small head!”, as he threw his popcorn and soda at the podium. Whitney barely got out her second argument that “down is down and therefore the world cannot be round, for if one avatar’s down was another avatars up, the whole of Second Life would be in chaos”. At this point the assembled leading lights of the scientific community began to glow incandescent with mirth and gaiety. Soon the amused attendees realized that the presentation was the evening’s farcical entertainment. Hanging on every joke, the brainy, canny and clever were reduced to tears. Of particular note were the jokes on the difficulty of maintaining oceans and the “fluid problem”on a sphere. Some of the jokes and audience replies, although hilarious, cannot be printed here due to their scatological nature. Whitney’s presentation ended to thunderous applause and a jolly time was had by all. Whitney is appearing nightly at Heart Of The Oceans comedy club – the Blue Eye.
FINANCE CHIEF INAPPROPRIATELY HEDGES
In an indication of the growing crisis within SL and the threats to the systems of Second Life, Rollow Weavewell, Head of the SL Reserve, was accused today of improper hedging by a select committee of experts and high class nobs from the capital. Senator Hyram Funstas (Republicrat Clissa Sim), who is currently under indictment for cavorting in the nude with an under age penguin, reported for the committee, “We have cooked the books, an we have dug up the bodies, and found the deleted emails, as well as recovered all the spam, and one thing is perfectly clear – Weavewell is improperly hedging”!. As is his policy Weavewell did not reply to these accusations. A spokesman for the SL Reserve did say however, that Weavewell will buy a new trimmer before the spring. The new trimmer is to be fitted with a level and a bag to capture the debris.
ROYAL TO LEAD ANTI-MONARCHIST PARTY
Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV, Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, famed Historian and Associate Professor at the most catholic University of Sonogno, suave playboy extraordinaire, and highly ineligible bachelor, was appointed Chairperson of the Anti-Monarchist Party at their raucous convention held in the Capital this weekend. The delegates had remained deadlocked in a hapless tie, with a vote of one to one, until the aged Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian rose, from his porti-throne to speak. Placing his monocle firmly in both eyes and adjusting his woolen socks, he was recognized by the chair. A hushed silence fell upon the assembly as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian pulled first a rabbit from his hat and then his prepared remarks. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian, pulling himself to his full height of 3’ 2” and standing ramrod straight began his address: “Hmmmagh, agggggh, my deer frens and n’companons, snurp haaaakk haaaak, sniffle.” Reaching for his snuff box Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian sneezed and resumed his address, “Wee musf cum t’gather n creatie a front unitd…” He paused for three minuets to let his remarks sink in. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian concluded saying: “tis all.” The hall burst into a cacophony of snoring as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian removed the iron rod from his coat, resumed his pose on the porti-throne, and the ballot was again cast. This time the vote was one for Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian and one abstention. The opposition delegate had fallen hopelessly to sleep. The Anti-Monarchist party is currently drafting its Manifesto and hopes to have it completed after the election.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TIMES
Late last night we obtained via carrier pigeon an exclusive interview with The Overseer of Clissa, Barron von Thundergast. Ace Times reporter Al Externus conducted the interview from The State Home for Traitors and Spies. The Overseer arrived, at the exclusive residence of our intrepid reporter, dressed in a black bolero jacket in a loose bias cut mélange of silk Kevlar mix with the waist-length jacket open at the front to reveal his magnificent hairy cleavage. Shocking red Capri pants with a capacious straight cut were sensibly tapered to the mid-calf and tail. Accenting his attire was a riding crop by Dolce & Grabass, and knee high black patent leather books by Ferruginous.
Times: Argghhhhhheeeeoowwwwwwwwwww.
Overseer: Welcome to Clissa spy for decadent Handmaidens of Belial.
Times: I’m glad … Ahhhhheeee, gnfrk.
Overseer: Another poker please Igor, the one with the thingy on the end.
Times: I’m a journalist… oohhhhh. I’m not a Handmaiden.
Overseer: What have your Masters, the lovers of the Wicked One, asked you to sabotage in our Glorious Homeland, Munificent Nether Regions, and Home of the Missing Hummus?
Times: No! No! Not the thingy.
Overseer: Hahahahah. Confess to your crimes and we shall let you die.
Times: I didn’t do nothing …. Ennnngghik
Overseer: The Cheese Whiz Igor.
Times: No, not the Cheese Whiz!
Overseer: Hhahahaha. Confess!
Times: Yes, yes. I did it. I can’t take it any more.
Overseer: And what did you do?
Times: Ahh, I was a Handmaiden.
Overseer: Liar! You have no appendages nave of Ash-Shaytan.
Times: I confess, I did it.
Overseer: Igor, the feather duster please. The warm one with the vibratory licky thing.
Times: No, not the licky thing. I confess. Really I do. I did it. I did all of it.
Overseer: Sign this confession of your evil deeds miscreant Nose of Tyrus.
Times: I don’t have any hands.
Overseer: Sign and I will let you die. Hahahahahahh
Times: Can I sign with my foot?
Overseer: Fool! What has the King of Babylon asked you to destroy in Magnificent Clissa, Light of the Nether Regions, and Protector of the Unwashed.
Times: I’m a journalist, not a spy.
Overseer: Do you have a press pass?
Times: Yes, it’s in my hat.
Overseer: Can you get my picture in the Times?
Times: Yes, I brought my instamatic.
Overseer: Can I wear my boa?
Times: Yes you may.
Overseer: Well in that case…
(To be continued tomorrow)
BAFFLES COMPUTER me-PHONE DOES NOT WORK IN SL
Fans of Baffles Computer’s “me-me-me-me” products were angered today to learn that the highly anticipated “me-Phone” does not work correctly in Second Life. Last week avatars lined up in ones and two throughout SL’s numerous mercantiles and malls to be the first in their sim to get a hot me-Phone. Jobless Steves, disgraced CEO of Baffles Computer, inventor of “me-products”, had touted his new me-Phone through all of SL’s media outlets and escort services, and the hype surrounding the new product was intense. Unfortunately a number or problems have surfaced such as; the limited life of the squirrel in the energy wheel, and the ugly fact that the me-phone will not continually tell its owner of how attractive they are, how intelligent they have become since their purchase, and how much cooler they are than those who don’t have the me-Phone. Another appalling failure of the me-Phone is that the highly touted “call me” feature does not work, and the phone will not allow the owner to talk to themselves as claimed. This failure results in the embarrassing contact with another avatar therefore thwarting the very purpose of the me-Phone. We tried to contact a Baffles Computer spokesman, but she was not answering his phone.
MORE CRAZY HUMOR FROM THE SCIENCE CONFERENCE
The assembled geniuses and really smart people at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things, known as CSDAT, meeting held in the capital this week have seen a number of humorous and loopy ideas presented along with some serious proof’s for conventional wisdom. Today’s nutty suede-o-scientific theory was presented by Whitney “Half-Nelson” Lanfair daughter of famed chanteuse Brigit Nelson and playboy Chris Lanfair. The cause of all the merriment and laughter her paper entitled:” Proofs that Second Life is Really Flat and Not Round Like The Big Brainy People Say.” Whitney, who has a GED equivalent from the Sonogno School for Wayward Girls, was not into her presentation for more than a moment before the laughter and guffaws sounded through out the vast hall of Governor Linden. In research funded by the Flat Second Life Society Whitney humorously claimed that if Second Life were indeed round how could the “accepted” scientists explain the impossibilities of holding unsecured objects in place on a curved surface. To which Igor Eisenstein, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal, shouted “Yes, and how can you hold all those impossible ideas in such a small head!”, as he threw his popcorn and soda at the podium. Whitney barely got out her second argument that “down is down and therefore the world cannot be round, for if one avatar’s down was another avatars up, the whole of Second Life would be in chaos”. At this point the assembled leading lights of the scientific community began to glow incandescent with mirth and gaiety. Soon the amused attendees realized that the presentation was the evening’s farcical entertainment. Hanging on every joke, the brainy, canny and clever were reduced to tears. Of particular note were the jokes on the difficulty of maintaining oceans and the “fluid problem”on a sphere. Some of the jokes and audience replies, although hilarious, cannot be printed here due to their scatological nature. Whitney’s presentation ended to thunderous applause and a jolly time was had by all. Whitney is appearing nightly at Heart Of The Oceans comedy club – the Blue Eye.
FINANCE CHIEF INAPPROPRIATELY HEDGES
In an indication of the growing crisis within SL and the threats to the systems of Second Life, Rollow Weavewell, Head of the SL Reserve, was accused today of improper hedging by a select committee of experts and high class nobs from the capital. Senator Hyram Funstas (Republicrat Clissa Sim), who is currently under indictment for cavorting in the nude with an under age penguin, reported for the committee, “We have cooked the books, an we have dug up the bodies, and found the deleted emails, as well as recovered all the spam, and one thing is perfectly clear – Weavewell is improperly hedging”!. As is his policy Weavewell did not reply to these accusations. A spokesman for the SL Reserve did say however, that Weavewell will buy a new trimmer before the spring. The new trimmer is to be fitted with a level and a bag to capture the debris.
ROYAL TO LEAD ANTI-MONARCHIST PARTY
Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV, Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, famed Historian and Associate Professor at the most catholic University of Sonogno, suave playboy extraordinaire, and highly ineligible bachelor, was appointed Chairperson of the Anti-Monarchist Party at their raucous convention held in the Capital this weekend. The delegates had remained deadlocked in a hapless tie, with a vote of one to one, until the aged Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian rose, from his porti-throne to speak. Placing his monocle firmly in both eyes and adjusting his woolen socks, he was recognized by the chair. A hushed silence fell upon the assembly as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian pulled first a rabbit from his hat and then his prepared remarks. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian, pulling himself to his full height of 3’ 2” and standing ramrod straight began his address: “Hmmmagh, agggggh, my deer frens and n’companons, snurp haaaakk haaaak, sniffle.” Reaching for his snuff box Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian sneezed and resumed his address, “Wee musf cum t’gather n creatie a front unitd…” He paused for three minuets to let his remarks sink in. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian concluded saying: “tis all.” The hall burst into a cacophony of snoring as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian removed the iron rod from his coat, resumed his pose on the porti-throne, and the ballot was again cast. This time the vote was one for Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian and one abstention. The opposition delegate had fallen hopelessly to sleep. The Anti-Monarchist party is currently drafting its Manifesto and hopes to have it completed after the election.
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