SENATOR FOUND IN HOT TUB WITH UNDERAGE PENGUIN
Senator Hyrum P. Funstas (Demican - Clissa) was arrested yesterday when he was discovered cavorting in the nude in the Tiki House hot tub with an underage penguin. The Times was on the scene with Police Chief Levus, of HOTO's most Infamous, when the Senator was nabbed. When asked what he was doing with an underage penguin in such circumstances, Senator Funstas shouted, “No comment! I want another Bloody Merry! ”, as he brushed feathers from his beard. A spokesman for the Senator said, “We have no comment at this time and this incident had nothing to do with the previous charge of enticing young strawberries into a bowl of sherbet.” “This is all the work of Karl Grove and the Republicrats” the spokesman said. Senator Funstas was taken to the Veterans of Domestic Wars Memorial Courthouse and appeared before Judge Honoree Netherbottom who remanded the Senator into the custody of the penguin. Charges are pending.

GRAND PIANO ATTACKS CITIZENS IN PLAZA
Police Sergeant Non-Non Nanette, reported to the Times that prominent citizen Ben Llewellen was attacked by a grand piano on the plaza this morning. Llewellen, suffering from adnauseum, was struck by a C Major. Llewellyn said “I was just walking along... and bam. It was unprovoked and came out of the blues.” Ryoka Szondi witnessed the attack. “Ben was singing the blues and its not a blues piano. It was provoked,” Szondi said. Llewellen has retained famed HOTO attorney Bummer Bradley, of the firm Scheister, Bogus & Bradley, to seek restitution for her injuries.

MAYOR QUEENY ACCUSES CLISSA OF HELPING THEORISTS
HOTO’s Mayor Queeny today told The Times in an exclusive interview that the Theorists are operating from their sanctuary in Clissa. Mayor Queeny has spoken with the Overseer of Clissa, Barron Von Thundergast, and he denies any involvement. However Mayor Queeny commented: “We have been informed by the SL Department of Insecurity (SLDI), that on no uncertain terms, that the Theorists are operating in the Nether Regions of Clissa. As we all know those Nether Regions are wild and no man dares to go there without great care and some paper products.” Mayor Queeney continued, “The SLDI has direct evidence obtained from the Centripetal Information Agency (CIA) that the plastic tube found at the site of the Mouse Factory explosion were manufactured in Clissa.” Our alien correspondent in Clissa Al Externus reports, “The mighty winds of Clissa hide a well know factoid, that behind all the bluff and Bluster of the Overseer and his heard, lies the simple truth, that numbers lie, and that lying by numbers is at the root of this branch of the charred bush of evil. I depart tomorrow for a rendezvous with Ben Van Meter, the leader of Theorists faction known as the Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers in his lair deep within the Nether Regions of Clissa.” Our plucky alien correspondent concluded, "If im not back by lunch tell my mommie.”

ADRIAN MUMPS ARRIVES IN HOTO --
INVESTIGATION OF KUTCHER MURDER HOTS UP
Famed sluth Adrian Mumps arrived in HOTO this morning on the Morning Blimp from the capital at the request of the HOTO Police Department. We interviewed the famed detective in his suite at the luxe Madam Bitters Hotel.

Times: Well Mr. Mumps I want to welcome you to HOTO and to say that we appreciate your assistance in solving the horrible crime of the murder of Aston Kutcher.
Mumps: Thank you, Governor Linden asked me to help out in any way that I could. I didn’t care for the Blimp Ride however, we almost crashed six times.
Times: Let me begin by congratulating you on solving some really difficult crimes, such as the return of the Moaning Lisa to the Louvre, capturing the Snow Man of Tempe, solving the mystery of the Apple Pie, and other crimes that had stumped policed departments throughout Second Life.
Mumps: Well, I didn’t really do very much. Moaning Lisa phoned me and told me where she was and that helped a lot. Really I just start at the beginning and go to the end.
Times: Your noted for your modesty Mr. Mumps. Can you tell us anything about the Kutcher Murder? Have you had a chance to review the evidence?
Mumps: Well I just arrived but I have been to the murder scene at the Tiki House pool and we have uncovered a few interesting clues. I need a Kleenex.
Times: Such as?
Mumps: You know the Kimmerly Clog type in the little 3 inch package, un-opened of course.
Times: No I mean the clues.
Mumps: Well the bar at the Tiki House was coated in Tomato Juice and the chalk outline of the body had been moved from the bar area to the second floor of the Tiki House itself.
Times: How is this possible?
Mumps: Well I understand that spirits sometimes move these things, but in this case it was HOTO City planner Black Nimbus.
Times: Any other clues?
Mumps: Yes a note near the body and a large feather in his martini.
Times: Was it a flight feather perhaps?
Mumps: Well forensics will look into that. Have you some disinfectant, this chair seems dirty.
Times: Mr. Mumps do you think you will solve this crime in 55 minutes like you always do. Perhaps in time to return to the capital on the Evening Blimp.
Mumps: Yes that’s more than enough time, but I wont really know the guilty party until the last five minutes. Do you have a shower cap?
Times: Well thank you for your time Mr. Mumps. Do you have any thoughts for the readers of The Times?
Mumps: Yes, the plaza is quite dirty and needs a thorough scrubbing with chlorine bleach and those palm trees badly need dusting. I allergic to palm dust you know. And the Tiki House Pool is filthy not to mention …
Times: Thank you Mr. Mumps
Dear Readers if you have any clues about the Kutcher murder, please send them to Sonognotimes@yahoo.com

SOCIETY AND FASHION
CHARITY BALL TO FIND CURE FOR AFK
Sindy Blazer Social Correspondent for The TimesPrissy
Plumblossom, from a founding family of Second Life, leading socialite, bachelorette, and well known woman about town, announced today that the “BALL OF TEARS” will be held at the TIKI house next Friday Night. The ball is to benefit the “Find a Cure for AFK” organization and in support of Sonogno’s University’s Medical Research for this dreaded state. Whitney “half-Nelson” Lanfair, daughter of the famed chanteuse Brigit Nelson and wealthy nob Chris Lanfair, heads the decoration committee. “The theme will the a happy one with a touch of the pathetic, “Whitney said. “We chosen the colors of #000000 and #F0F8FF with a hint of mauve, and with these festive colors we will dance the night away,” she continued. Among hoi expected to attend are noted polloi Crosspond Fungis, Senator (Republicrat), wealthy entrepreneur Jobless Steves, Disgraced CEO of Baffles Computer, inventor of me-products, Doily Mad, founding mother and author of the Sonogno Declaration of Co-Dependence, Squishy Paine, ChG, OBGEII, Official Ghost of HOTO, as well as other illuminated lights of SL. The event will be catered by none other than Chef Coli of the famed HOTO gastronomic establishment Diarrhe’e. The MC will be Normal John – Official Town Jester. Tickets are $5000 with a portion of the proceeds going to the FACFAFK.

SOCIAL BITS AND BYTES
Sindy Blazer Social Correspondent for The Times
--- Sponge Bob No Pants was spotted at the HOTOs famed Blind Eye on Tuesday night. It was seen in the company of Irene Katchokovskfp, radical organizer for the Wobblies, and Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV.
--- Will Prissy Blumblossem wed in the Spring? Wagging noses say she has been seen snogging with Dagmon Zhukovsky, Chief Engineer Lesbian Navy, at the Tiki House Pool!
--- Famed Hot Couture designer Catonine Tails is rumored to be designing the gown for Melba Tostie when she attends the Ball of Tears fundraiser. Wags have it that is a no cut taffeta gown in pale #000000 in the empire style made famous by Emperor Jones.
--- MsHeidi Jewell and Mascal DeCuir, well known pedestrians were see with macboy jewell dancing the night away at the plaza. Is a three way in the offing?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

RUPRECHT MURDSTONE MAKES MOVE ON TIME
Ruprecht Murdstone, president of Lupine News Corp, today announced he was making a hostile move to gain ownership of the Sonogno Times. The media typhoon announced his hostile intentions at a news conference hastily called in dead of night. Mr. Murdstone is thought by some to be a vampire, as he appears in public only at night and is always accompanied by a pack of lupine assistants. Lupine News, know for its motto “fear and bubbles in news”, is the owner of a media empire that contains the Lupine News Network, Pheeble Magazine, SL Today Newspaper, and the recently acquired Wall Drag Journal. The Sonogno Times is owned by the Lanfair Family Trust and Cabal and is controlled by family scone Chris Llanfair. Mr. Lanfair, often seen hobbing with the nobs at the exclusive HOTO Club and Clique (known in local circles as the HOTO C&C) and was unavailable for comment. But a spokeswoman for the Trust and Cabal was reached after numerous semaphore signals following the Lupine News Announcement. The spokeswoman declined comment pending the sobering up of the family scone.

HAIR THEFT CONTINUES UNABATED IN HOTO
Police Chief Leaveus Levus has warned citizens of increasing hair theft in the area of the HOTO Plaza Dance floor. “We have seen an alarming increase in hair theft in the Plaza and I want to warn all citizens to take extra caution in this area,” she said. The Chief continued, “we have a pretty good idea of who is doing this heinous crime and we suspect it’s the famed Linden Inventory Thieves.” Citizens are urged to contact the times if they find any unclaimed hair or hairs in the plaza.

KUTCHER SUISIDE RULED MURDER
The HOTO Office of Inquisition ruled today that the death of former actor Ashton Kutcher was not Suicide, but Murder by the Hand Man or the Paw of Furrie! The Court, called into special session because of the infrequent deaths encountered in HOTO, as well as the fact that suicide is against the Laws of Theosophy, listened to the Evidence of the HOTO Corner Small Orchis who outlined the autopsy findings in detail. Orchis noted that Kutcher, who was found floating face down in a martini, had distinct ligature marks around his mid section which was a clear indication that he had been held down by someone or some thing by his underwear! Further ear wax analysis indicated the presence of poison as well as mites. “There is no way that poison was intended for the mites,” said Corner Orchis. “It was intended to kill and the toxins were powefull enough to kill all the former actors in HOTO in an instant,” he continued. Police Chief Levus of HOTO most Infamous, has called for famous Detective Adrian Mumps to assist with the investigation. “We would have preferred Mrs. Marbles,” said Levus,”but she had an engagement in Clissa.” Detective Mumps is expected to arrive on the morning blimp from the capital tomorrow afternoon. Services for Kutcher will be held in the Chapel of Saint Hymnos the Benighted on Tuesday. Please send all offerings to the Fund for the Preservation of the Learned Hand care of The Times.

VICIOUS HUMMING BIRD ATTACKS INCREASE
Sheriff Dannik Saackbutt today warned HOTO residents of the increasing danger of humming bird attacks in the Plaza area. “I urge all citizens to take extra caution in the Plaza. The vicious attacks by humming birds are at an all time high and can only be expected to increase as mating season approaches,” said the Sheriff. Dagmon Zhukovsky, famed sailor and amateur podiatrist said “They were so fast... I couldn’t see what was goin’ on..... just a whirling dervish of feathers... Man about town and respected pervert Chris Lanfair commented “Damn, this is awful, we gotta find a way to quarantine the problem.” The Society for the Subjugation of Animals has proposed that citizens should donate used cigarette packages to be used as homes for the humming birds. Anna Rufis, Chairperson of the SSA, said “These little furries are only responding to the injustice in HOTO’s housing policies. The housing shortage has left them with no alternative but to attack, castrate, crush, damage, deface, disigure, dismember, gimpify, hack, hamstring, hog-tie, mangle, massacre, maul, mutilate and wound the dancing upper classes of our classless society.” “The humming birds are simply misunderstood and are the real victims here,” she continued. The SL Bureau of Instigation is investigating the case for any connection to the Theorist Attack on the Mouse Trap Factory of last Tuesday.

BAUDELAIRE – CALLS FOR RETURN TO HOTO VALUES
Charles Baudelaire, long time resident of HOTO, noted botanist, respected raconteur, and owner/operator of the Bright Flash Absinthe Mine, today issued a call for HOTO residents to return to the old values of our fore-mothers before its too late. Baudelaire, long known for his tireless campaigning for improvements to the HOTO School for Wayward Girls, has warned the community repeatedly in recent months about our decline in moral values. “The Theorist attack should be seen as a warning that we are on the wrong path,” he said. “Look about you, see the degradation of our long held sacred values. Where have our time honored values gone? The youth are loose and insouciant and have failed to understand the lessons of the past.” He commented. Quoting his favorite poet, himself, Baudelaire urged the young of HOTO to reform before its too late –“ Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie, N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins, C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.”

RECORD WORM HARVEST
Look out HOTO – there’s gonna be a record harvest of tasty worms in three weeks time. Yes, Doctor Arman Cestoda, of the HOTO Agricultural Exchange and Pasta Bureau, reported today that we expect a record crop of tasty worms. Dr. Cestoda said that the recent spring rains and the unexpected collapse of the sewer systems will result in a pumper harvest of worms and disambiguants. He continued that the wonderful aroma produced by the sewer collapse is a good indicator of a bumper harvest. Chef Coli of the famed HOTO gastronomic establishment Diarrhe’e, excitedly proclaimed, “Je peux le sentir d'ici, et ca me sent merveilleux.” The worm harvest begins on September 12, also known as Saint Aeger’s day on the HOTO municipal calendar.

BUSINESS
DUNG FUTURES SOAR ON EXCHANGE
Dung futures have risen by more than 18 points or 430% today on the Sonogno Fimus Futures market. The sudden spike in prices surprised Dung Analysts at the exchange. Darken Mattrox, famed dung speculator, attributed the price rise to an early political campaign for Governorship of SL. “With the recent nomination of Republicrat Ashley-Kate Olson, and the pending retirement of the font of Republicrat wisdom Karl Grove I think the Demicons are trying to corner the market before the election,” said Mattrox. Mattrox added that the sudden rise in prices may also be attributed to continuing infrastructure issues within the Sonogno sewer systems. “After the destruction of the sewers and the failure of the city to bring famed sewer engineer Arcadia Asylum back to work, there has developed a lack of confidence in the dung market,” he concluded.

EDITORIAL
GROWNUPISTS DENOUNCED BY MINOR MAJOR
We all know the curse of Grownupism, although it has taken centuries for society to mend its ways and begin to see these outdated and hurtful grownupists bigotry for what it is. The Times supports the tireless work of Minor Major in her Crusade Against Grownupims known as CAG. We have made much progress, but much remains to be done. Grownupist discrimination is still among us and we must work harder to eliminate the pernicious evil of its practice. How often have we heard those ugly phrases “Its time for bed,” or “No more TV for you.” Not to mention “flush after your done,” or “No you cannot eat that.” And of course the most vile and degrading, “Eat your peas!” We all shudder at the thought of Grownupist demands for the removal of lead paint from HOTO and unreasoned attack on tiny toys and magnets. NO says The Times. Its time for us all to return to our fore-mothers values of life, libertine, and the perfuit of hapineff and to wipe out this residual evil off Grownupism from among us all.

SPORTS
TODAY GRASPING AT STRAWS
The winner of the International Straw Grasping competition held in the HOTO SlumberDome was well known sailor about town Dagmon Zhukovsky who defeated favored Derrik “Large Hands” Norflik and last years champion Artie “Eleven Fingers” Potlatch. Zhukovsky was able to grasp 11,943 straws at one time and hold them there for the require eight moments. ESPN covered the event for channel 3.14 and the program attained record ratings by the Nonsense Rating Organization. At one point it appeared that Dagmon may have committed a foul, by stuffing straws into cast covering one leg. However Referee Delmot Shmize ruled that the rules were clear and that straws could be grasped by any body part, and that the cast affixed to Zhukovsky’s foot could be considered a body part, given that it could not be removed. Norflik promptly broke his right arm, followed by Artie Potlatch breaking all his appendages including the two that are not mentionable in the times. Zhukovsky commented “It’s a bit early to be breaking bones, the competition is still a year away.” To which Eleven Fingers responded with an unmentionable gesture indicative of his two now broken unmentionable appendages.

FAMILY AND FUN
NEW TEEN FAD – VOMIT HURLING
What’s the latest teen fad in HOTO? Why it’s Vomit Hurling. With the return to reform schools across the province, Sonogno’s youth turn to happy pastimes and this year’s teen fad is vomit hurling. Teens compete for volume and distance in order to win praise and status from their peeps. Local teen Fanschool Netherbottom, son of famed Judge Netherbottom, competed at the HOTO Vomitorium for the title of Champion on Saturday. Fanschool came in second to Poncho Pilot in the fierce competition. When asked for comment about his success, Fanschool said “Not now, I’m gonna be sick.”

Friday, August 24, 2007

THEORISTS ATTACK
Sonogno was stunned this morning to learn that the famed Mouse Trap factory was heavily damaged in an attack by theorists. The building was reported burning at 4:30 pm on Saturday and the SL Fire Department responded swiftly at 8:22. A note was found at the scene, purportedly the work of the Theorists taking credit for the attack. The note claimed the attack was perpetrated by a previously unknown theorist group called the “Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers”. The theorists claimed that the Mouse Trap Factory was using immoral serial numbers on its products and pricing them with morphological grammatical categories indicating an unreal quantity of referents. Professor Hindimith Nolork, of the Department of Real Numbers at the University of Sonogno commented: “While I cannot condone this remedial action by the theorists, I cannot condemn it either.” The SL Department of Insecurity and Incompetence did not return phone calls on this matter. Prominent Citizen Dagmon Zhukovsky said in an exclusive interview with the Times “I think it was a needless attack, no doubt a skeem of our neighbors trying to raise there property value... I tell you I will not submit to those children.”


COURTS OVERTURN LAW OF GRAVITY
In a stunning reversal of previous legal precedent, the Sonogno Supreme Court today, reversed the Law of Gravity. Chief Justice Honoree Millicent Netherbottom spoke for the 5 to 4 divided court in handing down the controversial decision. “The Common Nonsense clearly encompasses a tradition of flying and levitation within our lands. To restrict this implied right is a rejection of all things we hold sacred.” Speaking for the minority, Judge Philpot Onus said, “This is nuts.”


NAPKINS MAKE BETTER AIRBAGS
The SL Department of Enchantment and Conveyance today revised the inter SIM Carriage Safety Regulations to include the mandatory use of Napkins as Bump and Crump safety devices. A spokesman for the Carriage and Deportment Industry commented “It’s about time. Those airbags are nasty and polluting.” He continued, “And now we will have a place to wipe our noses when conveying from here to there”.


SEDATE TRANSIT DEBATE HOTS UP
The City Council will hold a debate on the new proposed Sedate Transit Development Plan at the Tiki House on Tuesday night. The Council is seeking the input of contractors, gentlemen, abattoirs, and other professionals. “Transportation in Sonogno is a mess and it’s only getting worse,” said Mayor Queeny. “We cannot grow without significant improvements in transit, and the new Sedate Transit Plan will guarantee our future” she continued.

Scientists from the Department of Paths and Easements have questioned the plan on safety grounds. “It’s a well known fact,” said Lesser Engineer Marrion Terrimak, “that the human body cannot move faster than 20 miles per hour.” She continued, “At that speed the flesh will be pulled from the bones and the paths and easements of SL will become a fleshy nightmare.” Bartolomo Spew, spokesman for the Civic Front for the Advancement of Road Kill, called for support of the plan. “Every one knows we cant let this snails pace transit policy continue to slime our paths,” he mumbled. Melba Tostie, a well know rabble rowser and town planning advocate said in a recent exclusive interview with the Times, “Imagine, you will be able to sedately and safely travel to all corners of Sonogno in no time at all. Why you could be at the lighthouse in less than 4 hours if we can complete the system, rather than the miserable 4 moments it takes today.” “How could any right thinking patriotic avatar oppose this plan, “ she asked.


VAPIRES STRIKE AT MIDNIGHT
Sonogno Vampires are set to strike at midnight tonight. The Guild of Vampires and Phlebotomists voted this morning to go on strike this evening unless their demands are met. The critical issues seems to be health benefits and overtime. A spokesman for the Hemoglobin Elicitation Industry Board of Traders said that the demands of the Guild were outlandish and that their actions would endanger the entire community and threaten our basic avatar values. “These miscreants are public employees and are therefore forbidden to strike” shouted Ashley Kate Republicrat Nominee for Governor of SL. The candidate continued, “We must return to our avatar values and to the objects of the founding mothers – such as life, libertine, and the perfuit of happineff. This strike is old fashioned and against the better classes of our classless society.” A spokesman for the Demican Party could not be found for comment at their headquartes in the bushes below the plaza. But it is a well know fact, that the Demican’s are composed of foreigners, unionists, illegals, and podiatrists who often support labor disruptions and civic chaos.


ALIEN GIVES BIRTH TO HUMAN
The Overseer of Clissa reported today that an alien had given birth to a human. The Times has dispatched if famed Foreign Correspondent Al Externus to report on this important event.


TALKING DOG FOUND IN PLAZA
To the amazement of the mob assembled in the Plaza, a talking dog was discovered among the dancing festive throng. The stunned assemblage was dancing and singing to the restrained sounds of the Pussycat Dolls in their rendition of “Memories”. Apparently the dog strenuously objected to the song and claimed that her rights were abridged since the song was speciest. “Woof. Stop this singing about cats,” growled the dog. “Woof woof, im an avatar too, don’t you have any common decency and respect for the Canine kind,” she howled. Chris Lanfair, prominent man about town and playboy philanthropist said, “Well it’s the season of the itch, so im not surprised by this revelation.” Mallory Sautereau claimed the bitch went by the enigmatic name of Frank. The mob ignored the howls of dissent by the unidentified dog and continued dancing to the lyrics of the Stray Cats, Cat Stephens, and Catatonia. The Sonogno Department of Animal Subjugation has been notified



ASHTON KURCHNER DOWNS IN POOL
Once famous TV actor Ashton Kutcher was found drowned in the swimming pool of the Tiki House on Tuesday Morning. Kutcher, known for his boyish virility and diminished capacity, was discovered floating face down in a martini glass near the pool. Police Sergeant Non-Non Nanette commented, “He was last seen alive about four years ago, im surprised to find him here in Sonogno. Just goes to show what a successful entertainment career brings you.” His body was removed to the City Morgue and he will be buried at city expense in the Insolvents Graveyard on Gollum Heights. Dagmon Zhukovsky, who discovered the body said “All I have to say is I had nothing (directly) to do with it although I had mentioned before that it would be a nice site to see, I’m not in anyway (directly) involved.”