TENSIONS ON RISE WITH CLISSA

Tensions continued to rise along the Sonogno Clissa Boarder and a meeting between Mayor Queny and the Overseer of Clissa Barron Von Thundergast broke up in a maelstrom of accusations and spittle. Overseer Thundergast denied that the Theorists responsible for the attack on the Mouse Trap Factory in Sonogno were finding sanctuary in Clissa’s Nether Regions. Mayor Queeny presented indisputable proof that Clissa was abetting the Theorists faction known as the Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers. As proof she presented data supplied by the SL Department of Insecurity and Incompetence and the Centripetal Intelligence Agency. The startling proof included carefully drawn pictures in crayon by secret agent Little Nell, a paraphelia divination by Mother Superior Adel Flossberg of the Order of the Bloody Stain of Saint Hymenos the Benighted - Mothers of Earth Druids (reformed), and a lots of unfounded rumors. Upon seeing the incontrovertible evidence the flustered Overseer, dressed in a stunning hot couture gown by Catonine Tails, shouted “Garfell okt ba’niclert kellips oft DANGLEWORT!”, and then he stormed from the room followed by his minders, bodyguards, and hairdresser. Unfortunately no one could be found in Sonogno or surrounding provinces that speaks Clissan and his comments remain a mystery. Mayor Queeny issued a call for calm, reason, and to bring up the army and navy reserves. Songono has no standing army and no navy, but does have a reserve army that sleeps a lot. The SS Minnow, flagship and only ship of the Sonogno Navy, is currently docked at the bottom of the bay. The Times Alien Correspondent Al Externus has not been heard from since slipping across the Clissa border and heading for the Nether Regions. He is traveling in disguise. If any one sees our intrepid correspondent please contact The Times. You can’t mistake him for anyone else since he has shocking red hair, no arms, and only one leg.

PLAZA GRAND PIANO TO BE MUZZLED

Following the unprovoked attack in C major and B flat on citizens this weekend, the Grand Piano in the plaza will be muzzled on order or Mayor Queeny. Citizens are urged not to sing the blues in the presence of the Grand.

PARIS BITTER SENTENCED TO DEATH

Paris Bitter, socialite, heiress to the Madam Bitter Hotel Chain, and first tier nob, was sentenced to death today by Judge Honoree Millicent Netherbottom at the Veterans of Domestic Wars Memorial Courthouse in upper HOTO. On Friday of last week Paris had been found guilty of “being an idiot in public” by a jury of her peers. Bummer Bradley well known celebrity attorney and fixer commented, “I just don’t understand this. It was a jury of her peers, and they still convicted her.” A spokesman for the jury, Ashley-Kate Olsen, when asked about the conviction by The Times responded, “Duh!” At her court appearance Ms. Bitter wore a stunning Merry Widow asymmetric corset that was a combination bicycle tire waist cinch and chicken wire mesh brassiere accented with cowbells extending from the waist to the hips. As is Paris' custom she wore panties from the Emperor’s New Clothes Line and espadrille shoes with nauseous uppers and a denigrated sole. On a short pasta chain Paris held an oblong minaudiere handbag made of cat food tins highly ornamented with kat litter, worked metal buckles, and phallic decorative bangles. Paris often shocks the public in her attire, and her fitted see through knitted balaclava with lightly applied soutache braids in a shocking shade of #00F8A4, had the jury gasping at her initial appearance. Ms. Bitter is expected to appeal her conviction.

FOLLOWERS OF THE “BOOK OF WHAT”

DENOUNCE SATAN’S HAND MAIDENS

Pope Pascal the spiritual leader of the Followers of Ohm denounced the Octocostal Denomination in a rally held at the House of X. Pope Pascal quoting from the Book of What said: “Let not the people be deceived for it is said in the Book of What, Lorentz 8:31 ‘Be not before you be, and unto you shall be done as it is done.’ The Pope called for the repeal of the Laws of Eight and called followers of the Octocostal Persuasion the “handmaidens of Satan”. “These are not Ohm’s Laws,” he shouted before a packed house of devotees, “these are the laws of avatars. They are loathsome laws and if Judges in the courts continue to defend them, we shall strike them down with the white hot resistance of heaven by Ohm’s hand.” The Pope of the Followers of Ohm, called on all devotees to vote in the coming elections for Governor. Pope Pascal said from the pulpit “Not to cast aspersions in the ballot box is a sin against Ohm. We endorse no party, no cause, only the cause of Ohm. Therefore you must vote for the Demicons in the next election.” Brother Vertex, benumbed leader of the Octocostalists did not return our emails for comment. Satan’s Handmaidens will be giving a benefit concert tonight at 8:00 in the plaza. All funds go for the “Find a Cure For AFK” fund.

SOCIETY

BITS AND BYTES

Sindy Blazer special correspondent to The Times.

-- Lindsey Warwick will be featured in the Avatars of Distinction magazine this fall in its special issue on explosives as fashion accessories.

-- Society wags were all a-flutter this week as Chris Lanfair was seen cavorting in the pool at the Tiki House with Satan and his handmaidens. Lanfair seemed quite smitten with a cute little handmaiden named Jezi. Could nuptials be in the offing?

-- Who was that lovely little penguin seen with super sleuth Adrian Mumps at the Blue Eye on Monday night?

-- Who let Catz Alexander into the kitty potty? - discerning citizens want to know. Catz was seen on Friday littering the seminar area of the plaza.

TODAY’S WINNING LOTTERY NUMBER

0

and the bonus number was 0.945333000918 x 10 ¹²

Today’s jackpot was $L 16