INCURSIONS ACROSS OUR BORDERS FROM CLISSA – ANGST AND GOOSE BUMPS FILL PROVINCE
Last night HOTO’s Most Infamous, led by Police Chief Leaveus Levus detected stealthy incursions from Clissa into Sonogno. The Chief using highly sophisticated “sounding nematodes” placed in the border area, detected unusual activity in the boarder near the beastly state of Clissa. “I suspect that this is an unauthorized incursion into Sonogno from persons or persons unknown,” said the Chief. He continued, “Tonight we will catch the buggers.” Clissa is famed for its buggery and iniquity. The Times will imbed ace correspondent Poncho Pilot to be with our forces as the sun sets. Pilot is well known to our readers for his coverage of the teen scene, and reform school sports. Pilot said at his departure “I go now to the front. I don’t know if I shall see the morning or have breakfast tomorrow, but I leave with determination and and a sense of an wee in this noble effort.” “If I don’t return call my mommy” Pilot concluded.


SLEUTH ADRIAN MUMPS ASKS UNIVERSITY OF SONOGNO DEPARTMENT OF KLEPTOLOGY FOR HELP.
Super sleuth Adrian Mumps asked the University Of Sonogno Department Of Kleptology for assistance in decoding the mysterious note found at the scene of the murder of Aston Kutcher. Kutcher was murdered and found face down, floating in a martini, near the pool at the Tiki House. Acting Professor Mxyzptlk of the Department of Kleptology has accepted the challenge and has asked the readers of The Times to assist. Reprinted below is the baffling coded message

“ satsnuF maryH
.ahahahahahaH .lagelli hguohtla larutan saw tahw gniod niugnep elttil eht dna em gnihctac of ytiremet eht dah eH .reggub elttil eht dellik I .ti did I. “

If you can assist Adrian Mumps please email The Times at http://www.sonognotimes@yahoo.com/ And you, Artie “Eleven Fingers” Potlatch, need not reply. A reward of $L10 is offered.

SS MINNOW LOST – LESBIAN NAVY CALLS FOR HELP
Candy Kraft, Lieutenant Commander of Sonogno’s own Lesbian Navy has asked the public to be on the look out for the flagship of the fleet – the famed SS Minnow. “We seem to have misplaced the minnow,” said Commander Kraft. Mayor Queeny has asked us to find it in all undue haste. If you see it please contact me or Chief Engineer Dagmon Zhukovsky.

SPEW FORMS HOTO SELF DEFENSE UNIT – SONOGNO NEW OFFICIAL GROUP GUARDING EVERYONE REGARDLESS of STATUS – SNOGGERS.
Bartolomo Spew, former spokesman for the Civic Front for the Advancement of Road Kill (CFARK), held a meeting at the Tiki House last night with many lesser lights of the community in attendance. Following the Absinthe Anonymous meeting, Spew spoke and called the community into action. “We must defend our homes, families, and comestibles from the evil ways of the podiatrist of Clissa,” mumbled Spew as he opened another pack of Testosa Grande Cigars. “It’s clear that Mayor Quimby is incapable of protecting us, especially the hoi and the polloi. We must move to form a civil union, armament ourselves, drink lots of caffeinated products, and drill, drill, drill until were blue in the face, graaaak, smeezle ” he continued. After expectorating Spew asked for a call of hands and a count of noses. At evening’s end the SNOGGERS had been formed. “We can all sleep in fear now,” said Little Nell, “the SNOGGERS are on the move.”

EDITORIAL
THE MARCH OF THE TIMES
The horn of libertine sounds. The drums of Jingo beat. The dandruff of devotion flies and the steadfastness of submission to authority calls its siren songs. What patriotic lad can fail to be engorged by our sacred banners as our mighty teens prepare for battle! War! WAR! War with sinful Clissa. Conquest of the reprobate region! Down with the depraved district! Liberate the afflicted area and free the corrupt country. Short the market.


SATURDAY IS ANNUAL CHANGE YOUR SHEETS DAY
The HOTO Department of Loathsome Diseases reminds you that next Saturday is annual change your sheets day. Help us all contain loathsome diseases in our classless society to the lower classes by changing your bed linens once a year on first Saturday of September.

TIKI HOUSE TO DOWNSIZE
Town planner, Black Nimbus, announced today that due to the economic squeeze the Tiki House will be downsized by converting from metric to English measures. Those who are loosing their jobs as a result will be notified by Saint Zephyranus Day.

“BALL OF TEARS” TO PROCEED DESPITE TENSIONS
Prissy Plumblossom, of the founding Plumblossom family, bachelorette, and high class nob, announced today that the “Ball of Tears” will proceed as planned regardless of the rising tensions with Clissa. The ball will benefit “The Find a Cure For AFK” organization. Spokesperson for Plumblossom, Squishy Paine, ChG, OBGEII, announced “If we cancel the Ball of Tears, then the Theorists win. Lets show our spirit and drink a lot of spirits at the same time and show those buggers in Clissa what we are made of.” “Its our flag waving duty to continue with our normal lives, as our teens march to the boarder and a glorious fate. Sic Simper Tyranus!” Paine yelled.

CRITICAL BEER DRILLING INITIATIVE STALLS
Sonogno last year identified beer drilling and the establishment of beer wells as a strategic industry to assist Sonogno in diversifying its tourist based economy. After spending 40 million lindens a problem has developed with the strategic initiative – there are no beer pools in the strata below Sonogno. Said Mayor Queeny, “Oh dear!” Beer futures rose slightly on the Fumis Exchange in response to the news.

MAYOR QUEENY QUIMBY CALLS UP SONOGNO ARMY RESERVE
The SONOGNO ARMY RESERVE (SAR) has been activate under executive fiat by Mayor Quimby. Since we have no standing army all SAR units are to report as ordered. In case you have forgotten if you are in the SAR here is a list of those ordered to report and where they are to report
Name Rank Reporting Location
Chris Lanfair - General – Four Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Heather Mills - General – Four Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Robert Electric - General – Three ½ Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Ells Foods - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Lilly Hospital - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Thurgood Tire - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Star Bright - Judge Advocate General -- Tiki House Pool
Black Nimbus - Brigadier General -- Tiki House Pool
MsHeidi Jewell - General Manager -- Tiki House Pool
Small Ben - Private Draftee -- To the Front



HOTO CONDUM FACTORY WORKS OVERTIME TO SATIATE LOOMING WAR NEEDS
HOTO’s famed Rubber Spiders Factory, has been converted to the full time production of war condoms. Now working three shifts, Factory Manager Mascal DeCuir said, “Yes we have converted as demanded by the SGPE (Shoddy Goods Production Enforcement Administration), and we are now making government spec condoms in three flavors – spicy mango, bitter lemon, and toast.” Condoms have disappeared from the shelves of mercados throughout the greater Sonogno area as citizens horde scarce supplies.

UNIVERSITY PHENOMONOLOGY SCIENTEST SAYS SECOND LIFE IS NOT REAL.
Disgraced University Scientist, Daneel Looby, former head of the Phenomenology and Existential Sciences Department at the University of Sonogno, was booed off the stage at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things meeting held in the capital. In a controversial paper, Professor Looby stupidly claimed that all that we do and say is not real. “What a loopy idea,” commented famed Scientist Igor Eisenstein. “My foot is real, the air I fly through is real, the lust in my loins is really real. What a dope,” said the bronze medal winning scientist. Donnatella Fernachi, science maven and all around hottie, kept screaming over an over again the phrase "Esse est percipi" as the crowd drowned out the presentation by the really dumb scientist. Speaking for conventional wisdom, Professor Rogoshin of the University Department of Accepted Precepts and Safe Thought pointed out it follows that any knowledge of Second Life is obtained only through direct perception, and mistakes come to us from thinking about what other individuals perceive. Knowledge of the world and of avatars and prims and actions may be purified and perfected by stripping away all but the pure perceptions found on our graphics displays. Therefore the ideal avatar in Second Life forms his knowledge by through pure unthoughful perceptions of the display, and if we would all look to the superficial found in SL we would develop deep insights into the natural world and the hearts of avatars. Therefore the goal of any right thinking avatar is to de-realiticize and de-morphacize avatar perceptions. The foolish Professor Looby was chased from the stage by a pack of raving empiricists carrying pitchforks and flaming torches. Looby’s whereabouts are unknown.