Krislynn Pennell and her squeeze finding freedom in Sonogno



REFUGEES STREAM ACROSS BOARDER FROM CLISSA
PRIVATION, PEEVEISHNESS, AND VEXATION PLAGUE EVIL SIM
Refugees continue to stream across the border from benighted Clissa, seeking freedom, liberation, and discount coupons. Krislynn Pennell, refugee and her new squeeze (name withheld due to pets remaining in Clissa) described to The Times the deteriorating conditions in Clissa that encouraged them to seek asylum in our free lands. Pennell described the horrible conditions all are forced to endure under the Overseer and his new “Abstract of Chaste Aphorisms”. Pennell described the degradation of being forced to wear Cheongsam with standing collar, short sleeves, a diagonal front closing with frogs, a body-hugging fit, and a side slit that reached to the bust line combined with commando cameo underwear. “No one is allowed to look better than the Overseer”, commented the sad refugee. “I kind of like Cheongsam, but the fabric selections were atrocious. I think they were made from old sheets and rags exported from Sonogno” she said. Amidst tears of bathos, and poignance, she described living conditions as “sub-avatar”. “The only food was humus, and an occasional energy bar from the Red Pumps Society.” She said. When asked how she managed to cross the dangerous border she replied “Well we ran into your soldier Small Ben, and he was so helpful. He showed us the way through the dangerous nematode traps and introduced us to the unique customs of Songono, such as that little cute thing you do with your nipples, “she concluded.

GOVERNOR LINDEN CALLS FOR PEACE TALKS
Governor Linden today called for peace talks between Sonogno and Clissa. Speaking for the Governor, Head of the Department of Sims, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Paregoric Linden said, “Let us reason together. Although Clissa is entirely justified in supporting the Theorists and insetting afire the Mouse Trap Factory, I believe that through negotiation Sonogno well come to see the justice in the Overseer’s position. The stockpiling of weapons of mass desperation by Sonogno, such as Roquefort wheels, plastic straws, and hot curry powder, is not justifiable among civilized Sims.” No response was forthcoming from Mayor Quimby of Sonogno.

DROOL DRIVE BY RED PUMPS SOCIETY
The Red Pumps Society is organizing a drool drive this weekend in the city plaza to assist our troop at the front. In cooperation with the guild of Vampires and Phlebotomists the Red Plus Society hopes to collect more than a gallon of the vital life sustaining fluid. Spokesman for the Red Plus, Thalbot Toblaht, said “Drool is vital to the war effort. Every teen who has stood in the trenches, facing mayhem, evisceration, and senseless disregard survival and the value of life, knows that the mouth goes dry. At times like these, your contributions of drool, will ensure that our teen draftee does not die a horrible death with a dry mouth.” Free lemon aid will be given to all donors.

TIME INFLATION PROVED
A fascinating and irrefutable proof of the Inflation of Time was presented by Professor Ora Fora, head of the Disasters, Ruin, and Desolation of the Junior University of Second Life (Rossa Campus) at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things meeting held in the Capital this week. “Times is accelerating alls abouts us,” shouted Professor Fora who is hard of hearing and difficult to listen to. “Times does nots marchs, its runs ands withs everys moments its runs fasters ands fasters, therefores creatings times inflations alls aboust us,” he yelled, as spittle spattered the attentive audience of really smart people. While the thesis of the noted Professor, including his obtuse calculations, is understood only by a few really big brains of the academic persuasion, Donnatella Fernachi, science maven and all around hottie, took a few moments out of her busy schedule of scientific chit chat to explain the complex theorem. “Ill go slow just for the readers of The Times,” said Fernachi, who was dressed in simple puce gauze chemise with with asymmetric sleeves and tasteful pale green bias ply mini-skirt. “In our grandfathers time, and before that, the Insurance companies of SL used a technique called ‘actual counting’, where actuarial accounters, wearing green eyeshades and bean sprout protectors, would determine how often the “Thousand Year Flood” or the “Once in a Hundred Years Typhoon” would occur. And in our grandfathers time this was true, but as time inflation set in the Thousand Year Flood began to occur every 999 years and the Once in a Hundred Years Typhoon occurred every 99 years. In your youth, I’m sure you noticed that the Thousand Year Flood occurred regularly ever five or ten years and the typhoons were occurring every other year. Now in our times we see a Thousand Year Flood each spring and Once in a Hundred Year Typhoons occur eight to ten times a year. Thus the proof of time inflation,” Fernachi concluded. “Now I must run for by tryst with Igor Eisenstein, Professor of Conventional Wisdom, U.of.S. Home of the Fighting Ferrets, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal,” she concluded.



VITIMIN R IMPROVES GRAPHICS PERFORMANCE
Vitamin R improves graphics performance even with the slowest graphics cards claimed health enthusiast and famed arbiter of computer tastes Jaqueline LaLanie in her weekly “Growing Old and Accepting Senescence” lecture series at the Tiki House. “It’s a fact,” LaLanie said, “take it from me, I know. I’m not a Doctor, but I play one on TV, so just ask your Doctor about Vitamin R. Side affects may very including strangulation, errections lasting longer than a month, dry mouth, and addition lasting a lifetime. If you observe these side effects please complain to your Doctor and not to me,” she concluded. Vitamin R occurs naturally in the placenta’s of clones, and the fresh tears of long dead mothers.


KENTUCKY FRIED BUNNIES COLSES DOORS
After numerous corporate restructings KFB will close its doors on Saturday. Originally founded in 1856 by Private Sniggers, of Kentucky’s Army of Abomination, KFB had fallen on hard times as a result of rapidly changing food fashions and the slim avatar fad of Second Life. A spokesman for KFB was not available for comment. From Saturday on those who crave those sticky bunny wings will have to fly into KFB through the skylights.


HEAVY METAL GROUP LEADBOTTOM ANNOUNCES REUNION TOUR
The long gone but fondle remembered heavy metal group Leadbottom has announced a reunion tour throughout Second Life which begins on October 10th in the Capital. Famed for such popular and deafening tunes as “Bend Over Beethoven”, “Hell Bent For Lather”, and “Memories,” the group had broken up in a bar fight 24 years ago in which lead singer, AspAss was crushed by a wall of limeys, and drummer Vatican Roulette died in an overdose of wall paper paste. Shortly thereafter bass guitarist, LittleBut Foetor, died a horrible death from Green Guitar Finger. Last year the final member of the group, tambourineist Little Nell, died from terminal AFK.

IRONY DISCOVERED IN SONOGNO
Geologists exploring Sodom’s Mountain on the border with Campello Sim have discovered significant traces of Irony in rock samples taken by deep drilling. Lead Physiographer for the Alchemy Mining Company, Gortex Winschoten, said “These deposits are very deep and are found at in the sagacious strata lying between a blockhead over layer and an indifferent stale. Additional drilling is planned.