Thursday, August 30, 2007


Krislynn Pennell and her squeeze finding freedom in Sonogno



REFUGEES STREAM ACROSS BOARDER FROM CLISSA
PRIVATION, PEEVEISHNESS, AND VEXATION PLAGUE EVIL SIM

Refugees continue to stream across the border from benighted Clissa, seeking freedom, liberation, and discount coupons. Krislynn Pennell, refugee and her new squeeze (name withheld due to pets remaining in Clissa) described to The Times the deteriorating conditions in Clissa that encouraged them to seek asylum in our free lands. Pennell described the horrible conditions all are forced to endure under the Overseer and his new “Abstract of Chaste Aphorisms”. Pennell described the degradation of being forced to wear Cheongsam with standing collar, short sleeves, a diagonal front closing with frogs, a body-hugging fit, and a side slit that reached to the bust line combined with commando cameo underwear. “No one is allowed to look better than the Overseer”, commented the sad refugee. “I kind of like Cheongsam, but the fabric selections were atrocious. I think they were made from old sheets and rags exported from Sonogno” she said. Amidst tears of bathos, and poignance, she described living conditions as “sub-avatar”. “The only food was humus, and an occasional energy bar from the Red Pumps Society.” She said. When asked how she managed to cross the dangerous border she replied “Well we ran into your soldier Small Ben, and he was so helpful. He showed us the way through the dangerous nematode traps and introduced us to the unique customs of Songono, such as that little cute thing you do with your nipples, “she concluded.

GOVERNOR LINDEN CALLS FOR PEACE TALKS
Governor Linden today called for peace talks between Sonogno and Clissa. Speaking for the Governor, Head of the Department of Sims, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Paregoric Linden said, “Let us reason together. Although Clissa is entirely justified in supporting the Theorists and insetting afire the Mouse Trap Factory, I believe that through negotiation Sonogno well come to see the justice in the Overseer’s position. The stockpiling of weapons of mass desperation by Sonogno, such as Roquefort wheels, plastic straws, and hot curry powder, is not justifiable among civilized Sims.” No response was forthcoming from Mayor Quimby of Sonogno.

DROOL DRIVE BY RED PUMPS SOCIETY
The Red Pumps Society is organizing a drool drive this weekend in the city plaza to assist our troop at the front. In cooperation with the guild of Vampires and Phlebotomists the Red Plus Society hopes to collect more than a gallon of the vital life sustaining fluid. Spokesman for the Red Plus, Thalbot Toblaht, said “Drool is vital to the war effort. Every teen who has stood in the trenches, facing mayhem, evisceration, and senseless disregard survival and the value of life, knows that the mouth goes dry. At times like these, your contributions of drool, will ensure that our teen draftee does not die a horrible death with a dry mouth.” Free lemon aid will be given to all donors.

TIME INFLATION PROVED
A fascinating and irrefutable proof of the Inflation of Time was presented by Professor Ora Fora, head of the Disasters, Ruin, and Desolation of the Junior University of Second Life (Rossa Campus) at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things meeting held in the Capital this week. “Times is accelerating alls abouts us,” shouted Professor Fora who is hard of hearing and difficult to listen to. “Times does nots marchs, its runs ands withs everys moments its runs fasters ands fasters, therefores creatings times inflations alls aboust us,” he yelled, as spittle spattered the attentive audience of really smart people. While the thesis of the noted Professor, including his obtuse calculations, is understood only by a few really big brains of the academic persuasion, Donnatella Fernachi, science maven and all around hottie, took a few moments out of her busy schedule of scientific chit chat to explain the complex theorem. “Ill go slow just for the readers of The Times,” said Fernachi, who was dressed in simple puce gauze chemise with with asymmetric sleeves and tasteful pale green bias ply mini-skirt. “In our grandfathers time, and before that, the Insurance companies of SL used a technique called ‘actual counting’, where actuarial accounters, wearing green eyeshades and bean sprout protectors, would determine how often the “Thousand Year Flood” or the “Once in a Hundred Years Typhoon” would occur. And in our grandfathers time this was true, but as time inflation set in the Thousand Year Flood began to occur every 999 years and the Once in a Hundred Years Typhoon occurred every 99 years. In your youth, I’m sure you noticed that the Thousand Year Flood occurred regularly ever five or ten years and the typhoons were occurring every other year. Now in our times we see a Thousand Year Flood each spring and Once in a Hundred Year Typhoons occur eight to ten times a year. Thus the proof of time inflation,” Fernachi concluded. “Now I must run for by tryst with Igor Eisenstein, Professor of Conventional Wisdom, U.of.S. Home of the Fighting Ferrets, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal,” she concluded.



VITIMIN R IMPROVES GRAPHICS PERFORMANCE
Vitamin R improves graphics performance even with the slowest graphics cards claimed health enthusiast and famed arbiter of computer tastes Jaqueline LaLanie in her weekly “Growing Old and Accepting Senescence” lecture series at the Tiki House. “It’s a fact,” LaLanie said, “take it from me, I know. I’m not a Doctor, but I play one on TV, so just ask your Doctor about Vitamin R. Side affects may very including strangulation, errections lasting longer than a month, dry mouth, and addition lasting a lifetime. If you observe these side effects please complain to your Doctor and not to me,” she concluded. Vitamin R occurs naturally in the placenta’s of clones, and the fresh tears of long dead mothers.


KENTUCKY FRIED BUNNIES COLSES DOORS
After numerous corporate restructings KFB will close its doors on Saturday. Originally founded in 1856 by Private Sniggers, of Kentucky’s Army of Abomination, KFB had fallen on hard times as a result of rapidly changing food fashions and the slim avatar fad of Second Life. A spokesman for KFB was not available for comment. From Saturday on those who crave those sticky bunny wings will have to fly into KFB through the skylights.


HEAVY METAL GROUP LEADBOTTOM ANNOUNCES REUNION TOUR
The long gone but fondle remembered heavy metal group Leadbottom has announced a reunion tour throughout Second Life which begins on October 10th in the Capital. Famed for such popular and deafening tunes as “Bend Over Beethoven”, “Hell Bent For Lather”, and “Memories,” the group had broken up in a bar fight 24 years ago in which lead singer, AspAss was crushed by a wall of limeys, and drummer Vatican Roulette died in an overdose of wall paper paste. Shortly thereafter bass guitarist, LittleBut Foetor, died a horrible death from Green Guitar Finger. Last year the final member of the group, tambourineist Little Nell, died from terminal AFK.

IRONY DISCOVERED IN SONOGNO
Geologists exploring Sodom’s Mountain on the border with Campello Sim have discovered significant traces of Irony in rock samples taken by deep drilling. Lead Physiographer for the Alchemy Mining Company, Gortex Winschoten, said “These deposits are very deep and are found at in the sagacious strata lying between a blockhead over layer and an indifferent stale. Additional drilling is planned.





Wednesday, August 29, 2007



CLISSA OVERSEER SPEAKS
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TIMES
Late last night we obtained via carrier pigeon an exclusive interview with The Overseer of Clissa, Barron von Thundergast. Ace Times reporter Al Externus conducted the interview from The State Home for Traitors and Spies. The Overseer arrived, at the exclusive residence of our intrepid reporter, dressed in a black bolero jacket in a loose bias cut mélange of silk Kevlar mix with the waist-length jacket open at the front to reveal his magnificent hairy cleavage. Shocking red Capri pants with a capacious straight cut were sensibly tapered to the mid-calf and tail. Accenting his attire was a riding crop by Dolce & Grabass, and knee high black patent leather books by Ferruginous.


Times: Argghhhhhheeeeoowwwwwwwwwww.
Overseer: Welcome to Clissa spy for decadent Handmaidens of Belial.
Times: I’m glad … Ahhhhheeee, gnfrk.
Overseer: Another poker please Igor, the one with the thingy on the end.
Times: I’m a journalist… oohhhhh. I’m not a Handmaiden.
Overseer: What have your Masters, the lovers of the Wicked One, asked you to sabotage in our Glorious Homeland, Munificent Nether Regions, and Home of the Missing Hummus?
Times: No! No! Not the thingy.
Overseer: Hahahahah. Confess to your crimes and we shall let you die.
Times: I didn’t do nothing …. Ennnngghik
Overseer: The Cheese Whiz Igor.
Times: No, not the Cheese Whiz!
Overseer: Hhahahaha. Confess!
Times: Yes, yes. I did it. I can’t take it any more.
Overseer: And what did you do?
Times: Ahh, I was a Handmaiden.
Overseer: Liar! You have no appendages nave of Ash-Shaytan.
Times: I confess, I did it.
Overseer: Igor, the feather duster please. The warm one with the vibratory licky thing.
Times: No, not the licky thing. I confess. Really I do. I did it. I did all of it.
Overseer: Sign this confession of your evil deeds miscreant Nose of Tyrus.
Times: I don’t have any hands.
Overseer: Sign and I will let you die. Hahahahahahh
Times: Can I sign with my foot?
Overseer: Fool! What has the King of Babylon asked you to destroy in Magnificent Clissa, Light of the Nether Regions, and Protector of the Unwashed.
Times: I’m a journalist, not a spy.
Overseer: Do you have a press pass?
Times: Yes, it’s in my hat.
Overseer: Can you get my picture in the Times?
Times: Yes, I brought my instamatic.
Overseer: Can I wear my boa?
Times: Yes you may.
Overseer: Well in that case…
(To be continued tomorrow)

BAFFLES COMPUTER me-PHONE DOES NOT WORK IN SL
Fans of Baffles Computer’s “me-me-me-me” products were angered today to learn that the highly anticipated “me-Phone” does not work correctly in Second Life. Last week avatars lined up in ones and two throughout SL’s numerous mercantiles and malls to be the first in their sim to get a hot me-Phone. Jobless Steves, disgraced CEO of Baffles Computer, inventor of “me-products”, had touted his new me-Phone through all of SL’s media outlets and escort services, and the hype surrounding the new product was intense. Unfortunately a number or problems have surfaced such as; the limited life of the squirrel in the energy wheel, and the ugly fact that the me-phone will not continually tell its owner of how attractive they are, how intelligent they have become since their purchase, and how much cooler they are than those who don’t have the me-Phone. Another appalling failure of the me-Phone is that the highly touted “call me” feature does not work, and the phone will not allow the owner to talk to themselves as claimed. This failure results in the embarrassing contact with another avatar therefore thwarting the very purpose of the me-Phone. We tried to contact a Baffles Computer spokesman, but she was not answering his phone.


MORE CRAZY HUMOR FROM THE SCIENCE CONFERENCE
The assembled geniuses and really smart people at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things, known as CSDAT, meeting held in the capital this week have seen a number of humorous and loopy ideas presented along with some serious proof’s for conventional wisdom. Today’s nutty suede-o-scientific theory was presented by Whitney “Half-Nelson” Lanfair daughter of famed chanteuse Brigit Nelson and playboy Chris Lanfair. The cause of all the merriment and laughter her paper entitled:” Proofs that Second Life is Really Flat and Not Round Like The Big Brainy People Say.” Whitney, who has a GED equivalent from the Sonogno School for Wayward Girls, was not into her presentation for more than a moment before the laughter and guffaws sounded through out the vast hall of Governor Linden. In research funded by the Flat Second Life Society Whitney humorously claimed that if Second Life were indeed round how could the “accepted” scientists explain the impossibilities of holding unsecured objects in place on a curved surface. To which Igor Eisenstein, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal, shouted “Yes, and how can you hold all those impossible ideas in such a small head!”, as he threw his popcorn and soda at the podium. Whitney barely got out her second argument that “down is down and therefore the world cannot be round, for if one avatar’s down was another avatars up, the whole of Second Life would be in chaos”. At this point the assembled leading lights of the scientific community began to glow incandescent with mirth and gaiety. Soon the amused attendees realized that the presentation was the evening’s farcical entertainment. Hanging on every joke, the brainy, canny and clever were reduced to tears. Of particular note were the jokes on the difficulty of maintaining oceans and the “fluid problem”on a sphere. Some of the jokes and audience replies, although hilarious, cannot be printed here due to their scatological nature. Whitney’s presentation ended to thunderous applause and a jolly time was had by all. Whitney is appearing nightly at Heart Of The Oceans comedy club – the Blue Eye.


FINANCE CHIEF INAPPROPRIATELY HEDGES
In an indication of the growing crisis within SL and the threats to the systems of Second Life, Rollow Weavewell, Head of the SL Reserve, was accused today of improper hedging by a select committee of experts and high class nobs from the capital. Senator Hyram Funstas (Republicrat Clissa Sim), who is currently under indictment for cavorting in the nude with an under age penguin, reported for the committee, “We have cooked the books, an we have dug up the bodies, and found the deleted emails, as well as recovered all the spam, and one thing is perfectly clear – Weavewell is improperly hedging”!. As is his policy Weavewell did not reply to these accusations. A spokesman for the SL Reserve did say however, that Weavewell will buy a new trimmer before the spring. The new trimmer is to be fitted with a level and a bag to capture the debris.


ROYAL TO LEAD ANTI-MONARCHIST PARTY
Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV, Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, famed Historian and Associate Professor at the most catholic University of Sonogno, suave playboy extraordinaire, and highly ineligible bachelor, was appointed Chairperson of the Anti-Monarchist Party at their raucous convention held in the Capital this weekend. The delegates had remained deadlocked in a hapless tie, with a vote of one to one, until the aged Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian rose, from his porti-throne to speak. Placing his monocle firmly in both eyes and adjusting his woolen socks, he was recognized by the chair. A hushed silence fell upon the assembly as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian pulled first a rabbit from his hat and then his prepared remarks. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian, pulling himself to his full height of 3’ 2” and standing ramrod straight began his address: “Hmmmagh, agggggh, my deer frens and n’companons, snurp haaaakk haaaak, sniffle.” Reaching for his snuff box Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian sneezed and resumed his address, “Wee musf cum t’gather n creatie a front unitd…” He paused for three minuets to let his remarks sink in. Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian concluded saying: “tis all.” The hall burst into a cacophony of snoring as Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian removed the iron rod from his coat, resumed his pose on the porti-throne, and the ballot was again cast. This time the vote was one for Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV Royal, Dauphin of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian and one abstention. The opposition delegate had fallen hopelessly to sleep. The Anti-Monarchist party is currently drafting its Manifesto and hopes to have it completed after the election.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

INCURSIONS ACROSS OUR BORDERS FROM CLISSA – ANGST AND GOOSE BUMPS FILL PROVINCE
Last night HOTO’s Most Infamous, led by Police Chief Leaveus Levus detected stealthy incursions from Clissa into Sonogno. The Chief using highly sophisticated “sounding nematodes” placed in the border area, detected unusual activity in the boarder near the beastly state of Clissa. “I suspect that this is an unauthorized incursion into Sonogno from persons or persons unknown,” said the Chief. He continued, “Tonight we will catch the buggers.” Clissa is famed for its buggery and iniquity. The Times will imbed ace correspondent Poncho Pilot to be with our forces as the sun sets. Pilot is well known to our readers for his coverage of the teen scene, and reform school sports. Pilot said at his departure “I go now to the front. I don’t know if I shall see the morning or have breakfast tomorrow, but I leave with determination and and a sense of an wee in this noble effort.” “If I don’t return call my mommy” Pilot concluded.


SLEUTH ADRIAN MUMPS ASKS UNIVERSITY OF SONOGNO DEPARTMENT OF KLEPTOLOGY FOR HELP.
Super sleuth Adrian Mumps asked the University Of Sonogno Department Of Kleptology for assistance in decoding the mysterious note found at the scene of the murder of Aston Kutcher. Kutcher was murdered and found face down, floating in a martini, near the pool at the Tiki House. Acting Professor Mxyzptlk of the Department of Kleptology has accepted the challenge and has asked the readers of The Times to assist. Reprinted below is the baffling coded message

“ satsnuF maryH
.ahahahahahaH .lagelli hguohtla larutan saw tahw gniod niugnep elttil eht dna em gnihctac of ytiremet eht dah eH .reggub elttil eht dellik I .ti did I. “

If you can assist Adrian Mumps please email The Times at http://www.sonognotimes@yahoo.com/ And you, Artie “Eleven Fingers” Potlatch, need not reply. A reward of $L10 is offered.

SS MINNOW LOST – LESBIAN NAVY CALLS FOR HELP
Candy Kraft, Lieutenant Commander of Sonogno’s own Lesbian Navy has asked the public to be on the look out for the flagship of the fleet – the famed SS Minnow. “We seem to have misplaced the minnow,” said Commander Kraft. Mayor Queeny has asked us to find it in all undue haste. If you see it please contact me or Chief Engineer Dagmon Zhukovsky.

SPEW FORMS HOTO SELF DEFENSE UNIT – SONOGNO NEW OFFICIAL GROUP GUARDING EVERYONE REGARDLESS of STATUS – SNOGGERS.
Bartolomo Spew, former spokesman for the Civic Front for the Advancement of Road Kill (CFARK), held a meeting at the Tiki House last night with many lesser lights of the community in attendance. Following the Absinthe Anonymous meeting, Spew spoke and called the community into action. “We must defend our homes, families, and comestibles from the evil ways of the podiatrist of Clissa,” mumbled Spew as he opened another pack of Testosa Grande Cigars. “It’s clear that Mayor Quimby is incapable of protecting us, especially the hoi and the polloi. We must move to form a civil union, armament ourselves, drink lots of caffeinated products, and drill, drill, drill until were blue in the face, graaaak, smeezle ” he continued. After expectorating Spew asked for a call of hands and a count of noses. At evening’s end the SNOGGERS had been formed. “We can all sleep in fear now,” said Little Nell, “the SNOGGERS are on the move.”

EDITORIAL
THE MARCH OF THE TIMES
The horn of libertine sounds. The drums of Jingo beat. The dandruff of devotion flies and the steadfastness of submission to authority calls its siren songs. What patriotic lad can fail to be engorged by our sacred banners as our mighty teens prepare for battle! War! WAR! War with sinful Clissa. Conquest of the reprobate region! Down with the depraved district! Liberate the afflicted area and free the corrupt country. Short the market.


SATURDAY IS ANNUAL CHANGE YOUR SHEETS DAY
The HOTO Department of Loathsome Diseases reminds you that next Saturday is annual change your sheets day. Help us all contain loathsome diseases in our classless society to the lower classes by changing your bed linens once a year on first Saturday of September.

TIKI HOUSE TO DOWNSIZE
Town planner, Black Nimbus, announced today that due to the economic squeeze the Tiki House will be downsized by converting from metric to English measures. Those who are loosing their jobs as a result will be notified by Saint Zephyranus Day.

“BALL OF TEARS” TO PROCEED DESPITE TENSIONS
Prissy Plumblossom, of the founding Plumblossom family, bachelorette, and high class nob, announced today that the “Ball of Tears” will proceed as planned regardless of the rising tensions with Clissa. The ball will benefit “The Find a Cure For AFK” organization. Spokesperson for Plumblossom, Squishy Paine, ChG, OBGEII, announced “If we cancel the Ball of Tears, then the Theorists win. Lets show our spirit and drink a lot of spirits at the same time and show those buggers in Clissa what we are made of.” “Its our flag waving duty to continue with our normal lives, as our teens march to the boarder and a glorious fate. Sic Simper Tyranus!” Paine yelled.

CRITICAL BEER DRILLING INITIATIVE STALLS
Sonogno last year identified beer drilling and the establishment of beer wells as a strategic industry to assist Sonogno in diversifying its tourist based economy. After spending 40 million lindens a problem has developed with the strategic initiative – there are no beer pools in the strata below Sonogno. Said Mayor Queeny, “Oh dear!” Beer futures rose slightly on the Fumis Exchange in response to the news.

MAYOR QUEENY QUIMBY CALLS UP SONOGNO ARMY RESERVE
The SONOGNO ARMY RESERVE (SAR)
has been activate under executive fiat by Mayor Quimby. Since we have no standing army all SAR units are to report as ordered. In case you have forgotten if you are in the SAR here is a list of those ordered to report and where they are to report
Name Rank Reporting Location
Chris Lanfair - General – Four Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Heather Mills - General – Four Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Robert Electric - General – Three ½ Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Ells Foods - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Lilly Hospital - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Thurgood Tire - General – Three Pips -- Tiki House Pool
Star Bright - Judge Advocate General -- Tiki House Pool
Black Nimbus - Brigadier General -- Tiki House Pool
MsHeidi Jewell - General Manager -- Tiki House Pool
Small Ben - Private Draftee -- To the Front



HOTO CONDUM FACTORY WORKS OVERTIME TO SATIATE LOOMING WAR NEEDS
HOTO’s famed Rubber Spiders Factory, has been converted to the full time production of war condoms. Now working three shifts, Factory Manager Mascal DeCuir said, “Yes we have converted as demanded by the SGPE (Shoddy Goods Production Enforcement Administration), and we are now making government spec condoms in three flavors – spicy mango, bitter lemon, and toast.” Condoms have disappeared from the shelves of mercados throughout the greater Sonogno area as citizens horde scarce supplies.

UNIVERSITY PHENOMONOLOGY SCIENTEST SAYS SECOND LIFE IS NOT REAL.
Disgraced University Scientist, Daneel Looby, former head of the Phenomenology and Existential Sciences Department at the University of Sonogno, was booed off the stage at the Conference for the Scientific Determination of All Things meeting held in the capital. In a controversial paper, Professor Looby stupidly claimed that all that we do and say is not real. “What a loopy idea,” commented famed Scientist Igor Eisenstein. “My foot is real, the air I fly through is real, the lust in my loins is really real. What a dope,” said the bronze medal winning scientist. Donnatella Fernachi, science maven and all around hottie, kept screaming over an over again the phrase "Esse est percipi" as the crowd drowned out the presentation by the really dumb scientist. Speaking for conventional wisdom, Professor Rogoshin of the University Department of Accepted Precepts and Safe Thought pointed out it follows that any knowledge of Second Life is obtained only through direct perception, and mistakes come to us from thinking about what other individuals perceive. Knowledge of the world and of avatars and prims and actions may be purified and perfected by stripping away all but the pure perceptions found on our graphics displays. Therefore the ideal avatar in Second Life forms his knowledge by through pure unthoughful perceptions of the display, and if we would all look to the superficial found in SL we would develop deep insights into the natural world and the hearts of avatars. Therefore the goal of any right thinking avatar is to de-realiticize and de-morphacize avatar perceptions. The foolish Professor Looby was chased from the stage by a pack of raving empiricists carrying pitchforks and flaming torches. Looby’s whereabouts are unknown.

Monday, August 27, 2007

TENSIONS ON RISE WITH CLISSA

Tensions continued to rise along the Sonogno Clissa Boarder and a meeting between Mayor Queny and the Overseer of Clissa Barron Von Thundergast broke up in a maelstrom of accusations and spittle. Overseer Thundergast denied that the Theorists responsible for the attack on the Mouse Trap Factory in Sonogno were finding sanctuary in Clissa’s Nether Regions. Mayor Queeny presented indisputable proof that Clissa was abetting the Theorists faction known as the Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers. As proof she presented data supplied by the SL Department of Insecurity and Incompetence and the Centripetal Intelligence Agency. The startling proof included carefully drawn pictures in crayon by secret agent Little Nell, a paraphelia divination by Mother Superior Adel Flossberg of the Order of the Bloody Stain of Saint Hymenos the Benighted - Mothers of Earth Druids (reformed), and a lots of unfounded rumors. Upon seeing the incontrovertible evidence the flustered Overseer, dressed in a stunning hot couture gown by Catonine Tails, shouted “Garfell okt ba’niclert kellips oft DANGLEWORT!”, and then he stormed from the room followed by his minders, bodyguards, and hairdresser. Unfortunately no one could be found in Sonogno or surrounding provinces that speaks Clissan and his comments remain a mystery. Mayor Queeny issued a call for calm, reason, and to bring up the army and navy reserves. Songono has no standing army and no navy, but does have a reserve army that sleeps a lot. The SS Minnow, flagship and only ship of the Sonogno Navy, is currently docked at the bottom of the bay. The Times Alien Correspondent Al Externus has not been heard from since slipping across the Clissa border and heading for the Nether Regions. He is traveling in disguise. If any one sees our intrepid correspondent please contact The Times. You can’t mistake him for anyone else since he has shocking red hair, no arms, and only one leg.


PLAZA GRAND PIANO TO BE MUZZLED

Following the unprovoked attack in C major and B flat on citizens this weekend, the Grand Piano in the plaza will be muzzled on order or Mayor Queeny. Citizens are urged not to sing the blues in the presence of the Grand.


PARIS BITTER SENTENCED TO DEATH

Paris Bitter, socialite, heiress to the Madam Bitter Hotel Chain, and first tier nob, was sentenced to death today by Judge Honoree Millicent Netherbottom at the Veterans of Domestic Wars Memorial Courthouse in upper HOTO. On Friday of last week Paris had been found guilty of “being an idiot in public” by a jury of her peers. Bummer Bradley well known celebrity attorney and fixer commented, “I just don’t understand this. It was a jury of her peers, and they still convicted her.” A spokesman for the jury, Ashley-Kate Olsen, when asked about the conviction by The Times responded, “Duh!” At her court appearance Ms. Bitter wore a stunning Merry Widow asymmetric corset that was a combination bicycle tire waist cinch and chicken wire mesh brassiere accented with cowbells extending from the waist to the hips. As is Paris' custom she wore panties from the Emperor’s New Clothes Line and espadrille shoes with nauseous uppers and a denigrated sole. On a short pasta chain Paris held an oblong minaudiere handbag made of cat food tins highly ornamented with kat litter, worked metal buckles, and phallic decorative bangles. Paris often shocks the public in her attire, and her fitted see through knitted balaclava with lightly applied soutache braids in a shocking shade of #00F8A4, had the jury gasping at her initial appearance. Ms. Bitter is expected to appeal her conviction.


FOLLOWERS OF THE “BOOK OF WHAT”

DENOUNCE SATAN’S HAND MAIDENS

Pope Pascal the spiritual leader of the Followers of Ohm denounced the Octocostal Denomination in a rally held at the House of X. Pope Pascal quoting from the Book of What said: “Let not the people be deceived for it is said in the Book of What, Lorentz 8:31 ‘Be not before you be, and unto you shall be done as it is done.’ The Pope called for the repeal of the Laws of Eight and called followers of the Octocostal Persuasion the “handmaidens of Satan”. “These are not Ohm’s Laws,” he shouted before a packed house of devotees, “these are the laws of avatars. They are loathsome laws and if Judges in the courts continue to defend them, we shall strike them down with the white hot resistance of heaven by Ohm’s hand.” The Pope of the Followers of Ohm, called on all devotees to vote in the coming elections for Governor. Pope Pascal said from the pulpit “Not to cast aspersions in the ballot box is a sin against Ohm. We endorse no party, no cause, only the cause of Ohm. Therefore you must vote for the Demicons in the next election.” Brother Vertex, benumbed leader of the Octocostalists did not return our emails for comment. Satan’s Handmaidens will be giving a benefit concert tonight at 8:00 in the plaza. All funds go for the “Find a Cure For AFK” fund.


SOCIETY

BITS AND BYTES

Sindy Blazer special correspondent to The Times.

-- Lindsey Warwick will be featured in the Avatars of Distinction magazine this fall in its special issue on explosives as fashion accessories.

-- Society wags were all a-flutter this week as Chris Lanfair was seen cavorting in the pool at the Tiki House with Satan and his handmaidens. Lanfair seemed quite smitten with a cute little handmaiden named Jezi. Could nuptials be in the offing?

-- Who was that lovely little penguin seen with super sleuth Adrian Mumps at the Blue Eye on Monday night?

-- Who let Catz Alexander into the kitty potty? - discerning citizens want to know. Catz was seen on Friday littering the seminar area of the plaza.

TODAY’S WINNING LOTTERY NUMBER

0

and the bonus number was 0.945333000918 x 10 12

Today’s jackpot was $L 16


SENATOR FOUND IN HOT TUB WITH UNDERAGE PENGUIN
Senator Hyrum P. Funstas (Demican - Clissa) was arrested yesterday when he was discovered cavorting in the nude in the Tiki House hot tub with an underage penguin. The Times was on the scene with Police Chief Levus, of HOTO's most Infamous, when the Senator was nabbed. When asked what he was doing with an underage penguin in such circumstances, Senator Funstas shouted, “No comment! I want another Bloody Merry! ”, as he brushed feathers from his beard. A spokesman for the Senator said, “We have no comment at this time and this incident had nothing to do with the previous charge of enticing young strawberries into a bowl of sherbet.” “This is all the work of Karl Grove and the Republicrats” the spokesman said. Senator Funstas was taken to the Veterans of Domestic Wars Memorial Courthouse and appeared before Judge Honoree Netherbottom who remanded the Senator into the custody of the penguin. Charges are pending.

GRAND PIANO ATTACKS CITIZENS IN PLAZA
Police Sergeant Non-Non Nanette, reported to the Times that prominent citizen Ben Llewellen was attacked by a grand piano on the plaza this morning. Llewellen, suffering from adnauseum, was struck by a C Major. Llewellyn said “I was just walking along... and bam. It was unprovoked and came out of the blues.” Ryoka Szondi witnessed the attack. “Ben was singing the blues and its not a blues piano. It was provoked,” Szondi said. Llewellen has retained famed HOTO attorney Bummer Bradley, of the firm Scheister, Bogus & Bradley, to seek restitution for her injuries.

MAYOR QUEENY ACCUSES CLISSA OF HELPING THEORISTS
HOTO’s Mayor Queeny today told The Times in an exclusive interview that the Theorists are operating from their sanctuary in Clissa. Mayor Queeny has spoken with the Overseer of Clissa, Barron Von Thundergast, and he denies any involvement. However Mayor Queeny commented: “We have been informed by the SL Department of Insecurity (SLDI), that on no uncertain terms, that the Theorists are operating in the Nether Regions of Clissa. As we all know those Nether Regions are wild and no man dares to go there without great care and some paper products.” Mayor Queeney continued, “The SLDI has direct evidence obtained from the Centripetal Information Agency (CIA) that the plastic tube found at the site of the Mouse Factory explosion were manufactured in Clissa.” Our alien correspondent in Clissa Al Externus reports, “The mighty winds of Clissa hide a well know factoid, that behind all the bluff and Bluster of the Overseer and his heard, lies the simple truth, that numbers lie, and that lying by numbers is at the root of this branch of the charred bush of evil. I depart tomorrow for a rendezvous with Ben Van Meter, the leader of Theorists faction known as the Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers in his lair deep within the Nether Regions of Clissa.” Our plucky alien correspondent concluded, "If im not back by lunch tell my mommie.”

ADRIAN MUMPS ARRIVES IN HOTO --
INVESTIGATION OF KUTCHER MURDER HOTS UP
Famed sluth Adrian Mumps arrived in HOTO this morning on the Morning Blimp from the capital at the request of the HOTO Police Department. We interviewed the famed detective in his suite at the luxe Madam Bitters Hotel.

Times: Well Mr. Mumps I want to welcome you to HOTO and to say that we appreciate your assistance in solving the horrible crime of the murder of Aston Kutcher.
Mumps: Thank you, Governor Linden asked me to help out in any way that I could. I didn’t care for the Blimp Ride however, we almost crashed six times.
Times: Let me begin by congratulating you on solving some really difficult crimes, such as the return of the Moaning Lisa to the Louvre, capturing the Snow Man of Tempe, solving the mystery of the Apple Pie, and other crimes that had stumped policed departments throughout Second Life.
Mumps: Well, I didn’t really do very much. Moaning Lisa phoned me and told me where she was and that helped a lot. Really I just start at the beginning and go to the end.
Times: Your noted for your modesty Mr. Mumps. Can you tell us anything about the Kutcher Murder? Have you had a chance to review the evidence?
Mumps: Well I just arrived but I have been to the murder scene at the Tiki House pool and we have uncovered a few interesting clues. I need a Kleenex.
Times: Such as?
Mumps: You know the Kimmerly Clog type in the little 3 inch package, un-opened of course.
Times: No I mean the clues.
Mumps: Well the bar at the Tiki House was coated in Tomato Juice and the chalk outline of the body had been moved from the bar area to the second floor of the Tiki House itself.
Times: How is this possible?
Mumps: Well I understand that spirits sometimes move these things, but in this case it was HOTO City planner Black Nimbus.
Times: Any other clues?
Mumps: Yes a note near the body and a large feather in his martini.
Times: Was it a flight feather perhaps?
Mumps: Well forensics will look into that. Have you some disinfectant, this chair seems dirty.
Times: Mr. Mumps do you think you will solve this crime in 55 minutes like you always do. Perhaps in time to return to the capital on the Evening Blimp.
Mumps: Yes that’s more than enough time, but I wont really know the guilty party until the last five minutes. Do you have a shower cap?
Times: Well thank you for your time Mr. Mumps. Do you have any thoughts for the readers of The Times?
Mumps: Yes, the plaza is quite dirty and needs a thorough scrubbing with chlorine bleach and those palm trees badly need dusting. I allergic to palm dust you know. And the Tiki House Pool is filthy not to mention …
Times: Thank you Mr. Mumps
Dear Readers if you have any clues about the Kutcher murder, please send them to Sonognotimes@yahoo.com

SOCIETY AND FASHION
CHARITY BALL TO FIND CURE FOR AFK
Sindy Blazer Social Correspondent for The TimesPrissy
Plumblossom, from a founding family of Second Life, leading socialite, bachelorette, and well known woman about town, announced today that the “BALL OF TEARS” will be held at the TIKI house next Friday Night. The ball is to benefit the “Find a Cure for AFK” organization and in support of Sonogno’s University’s Medical Research for this dreaded state. Whitney “half-Nelson” Lanfair, daughter of the famed chanteuse Brigit Nelson and wealthy nob Chris Lanfair, heads the decoration committee. “The theme will the a happy one with a touch of the pathetic, “Whitney said. “We chosen the colors of #000000 and #F0F8FF with a hint of mauve, and with these festive colors we will dance the night away,” she continued. Among hoi expected to attend are noted polloi Crosspond Fungis, Senator (Republicrat), wealthy entrepreneur Jobless Steves, Disgraced CEO of Baffles Computer, inventor of me-products, Doily Mad, founding mother and author of the Sonogno Declaration of Co-Dependence, Squishy Paine, ChG, OBGEII, Official Ghost of HOTO, as well as other illuminated lights of SL. The event will be catered by none other than Chef Coli of the famed HOTO gastronomic establishment Diarrhe’e. The MC will be Normal John – Official Town Jester. Tickets are $5000 with a portion of the proceeds going to the FACFAFK.

SOCIAL BITS AND BYTES
Sindy Blazer Social Correspondent for The Times
--- Sponge Bob No Pants was spotted at the HOTOs famed Blind Eye on Tuesday night. It was seen in the company of Irene Katchokovskfp, radical organizer for the Wobblies, and Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV.
--- Will Prissy Blumblossem wed in the Spring? Wagging noses say she has been seen snogging with Dagmon Zhukovsky, Chief Engineer Lesbian Navy, at the Tiki House Pool!
--- Famed Hot Couture designer Catonine Tails is rumored to be designing the gown for Melba Tostie when she attends the Ball of Tears fundraiser. Wags have it that is a no cut taffeta gown in pale #000000 in the empire style made famous by Emperor Jones.
--- MsHeidi Jewell and Mascal DeCuir, well known pedestrians were see with macboy jewell dancing the night away at the plaza. Is a three way in the offing?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

RUPRECHT MURDSTONE MAKES MOVE ON TIME
Ruprecht Murdstone, president of Lupine News Corp, today announced he was making a hostile move to gain ownership of the Sonogno Times. The media typhoon announced his hostile intentions at a news conference hastily called in dead of night. Mr. Murdstone is thought by some to be a vampire, as he appears in public only at night and is always accompanied by a pack of lupine assistants. Lupine News, know for its motto “fear and bubbles in news”, is the owner of a media empire that contains the Lupine News Network, Pheeble Magazine, SL Today Newspaper, and the recently acquired Wall Drag Journal. The Sonogno Times is owned by the Lanfair Family Trust and Cabal and is controlled by family scone Chris Llanfair. Mr. Lanfair, often seen hobbing with the nobs at the exclusive HOTO Club and Clique (known in local circles as the HOTO C&C) and was unavailable for comment. But a spokeswoman for the Trust and Cabal was reached after numerous semaphore signals following the Lupine News Announcement. The spokeswoman declined comment pending the sobering up of the family scone.

HAIR THEFT CONTINUES UNABATED IN HOTO
Police Chief Leaveus Levus has warned citizens of increasing hair theft in the area of the HOTO Plaza Dance floor. “We have seen an alarming increase in hair theft in the Plaza and I want to warn all citizens to take extra caution in this area,” she said. The Chief continued, “we have a pretty good idea of who is doing this heinous crime and we suspect it’s the famed Linden Inventory Thieves.” Citizens are urged to contact the times if they find any unclaimed hair or hairs in the plaza.

KUTCHER SUISIDE RULED MURDER
The HOTO Office of Inquisition ruled today that the death of former actor Ashton Kutcher was not Suicide, but Murder by the Hand Man or the Paw of Furrie! The Court, called into special session because of the infrequent deaths encountered in HOTO, as well as the fact that suicide is against the Laws of Theosophy, listened to the Evidence of the HOTO Corner Small Orchis who outlined the autopsy findings in detail. Orchis noted that Kutcher, who was found floating face down in a martini, had distinct ligature marks around his mid section which was a clear indication that he had been held down by someone or some thing by his underwear! Further ear wax analysis indicated the presence of poison as well as mites. “There is no way that poison was intended for the mites,” said Corner Orchis. “It was intended to kill and the toxins were powefull enough to kill all the former actors in HOTO in an instant,” he continued. Police Chief Levus of HOTO most Infamous, has called for famous Detective Adrian Mumps to assist with the investigation. “We would have preferred Mrs. Marbles,” said Levus,”but she had an engagement in Clissa.” Detective Mumps is expected to arrive on the morning blimp from the capital tomorrow afternoon. Services for Kutcher will be held in the Chapel of Saint Hymnos the Benighted on Tuesday. Please send all offerings to the Fund for the Preservation of the Learned Hand care of The Times.

VICIOUS HUMMING BIRD ATTACKS INCREASE
Sheriff Dannik Saackbutt today warned HOTO residents of the increasing danger of humming bird attacks in the Plaza area. “I urge all citizens to take extra caution in the Plaza. The vicious attacks by humming birds are at an all time high and can only be expected to increase as mating season approaches,” said the Sheriff. Dagmon Zhukovsky, famed sailor and amateur podiatrist said “They were so fast... I couldn’t see what was goin’ on..... just a whirling dervish of feathers... Man about town and respected pervert Chris Lanfair commented “Damn, this is awful, we gotta find a way to quarantine the problem.” The Society for the Subjugation of Animals has proposed that citizens should donate used cigarette packages to be used as homes for the humming birds. Anna Rufis, Chairperson of the SSA, said “These little furries are only responding to the injustice in HOTO’s housing policies. The housing shortage has left them with no alternative but to attack, castrate, crush, damage, deface, disigure, dismember, gimpify, hack, hamstring, hog-tie, mangle, massacre, maul, mutilate and wound the dancing upper classes of our classless society.” “The humming birds are simply misunderstood and are the real victims here,” she continued. The SL Bureau of Instigation is investigating the case for any connection to the Theorist Attack on the Mouse Trap Factory of last Tuesday.

BAUDELAIRE – CALLS FOR RETURN TO HOTO VALUES
Charles Baudelaire, long time resident of HOTO, noted botanist, respected raconteur, and owner/operator of the Bright Flash Absinthe Mine, today issued a call for HOTO residents to return to the old values of our fore-mothers before its too late. Baudelaire, long known for his tireless campaigning for improvements to the HOTO School for Wayward Girls, has warned the community repeatedly in recent months about our decline in moral values. “The Theorist attack should be seen as a warning that we are on the wrong path,” he said. “Look about you, see the degradation of our long held sacred values. Where have our time honored values gone? The youth are loose and insouciant and have failed to understand the lessons of the past.” He commented. Quoting his favorite poet, himself, Baudelaire urged the young of HOTO to reform before its too late –“ Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie, N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins, C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.”

RECORD WORM HARVEST
Look out HOTO – there’s gonna be a record harvest of tasty worms in three weeks time. Yes, Doctor Arman Cestoda, of the HOTO Agricultural Exchange and Pasta Bureau, reported today that we expect a record crop of tasty worms. Dr. Cestoda said that the recent spring rains and the unexpected collapse of the sewer systems will result in a pumper harvest of worms and disambiguants. He continued that the wonderful aroma produced by the sewer collapse is a good indicator of a bumper harvest. Chef Coli of the famed HOTO gastronomic establishment Diarrhe’e, excitedly proclaimed, “Je peux le sentir d'ici, et ca me sent merveilleux.” The worm harvest begins on September 12, also known as Saint Aeger’s day on the HOTO municipal calendar.

BUSINESS
DUNG FUTURES SOAR ON EXCHANGE
Dung futures have risen by more than 18 points or 430% today on the Sonogno Fimus Futures market. The sudden spike in prices surprised Dung Analysts at the exchange. Darken Mattrox, famed dung speculator, attributed the price rise to an early political campaign for Governorship of SL. “With the recent nomination of Republicrat Ashley-Kate Olson, and the pending retirement of the font of Republicrat wisdom Karl Grove I think the Demicons are trying to corner the market before the election,” said Mattrox. Mattrox added that the sudden rise in prices may also be attributed to continuing infrastructure issues within the Sonogno sewer systems. “After the destruction of the sewers and the failure of the city to bring famed sewer engineer Arcadia Asylum back to work, there has developed a lack of confidence in the dung market,” he concluded.

EDITORIAL
GROWNUPISTS DENOUNCED BY MINOR MAJOR
We all know the curse of Grownupism, although it has taken centuries for society to mend its ways and begin to see these outdated and hurtful grownupists bigotry for what it is. The Times supports the tireless work of Minor Major in her Crusade Against Grownupims known as CAG. We have made much progress, but much remains to be done. Grownupist discrimination is still among us and we must work harder to eliminate the pernicious evil of its practice. How often have we heard those ugly phrases “Its time for bed,” or “No more TV for you.” Not to mention “flush after your done,” or “No you cannot eat that.” And of course the most vile and degrading, “Eat your peas!” We all shudder at the thought of Grownupist demands for the removal of lead paint from HOTO and unreasoned attack on tiny toys and magnets. NO says The Times. Its time for us all to return to our fore-mothers values of life, libertine, and the perfuit of hapineff and to wipe out this residual evil off Grownupism from among us all.

SPORTS
TODAY GRASPING AT STRAWS
The winner of the International Straw Grasping competition held in the HOTO SlumberDome was well known sailor about town Dagmon Zhukovsky who defeated favored Derrik “Large Hands” Norflik and last years champion Artie “Eleven Fingers” Potlatch. Zhukovsky was able to grasp 11,943 straws at one time and hold them there for the require eight moments. ESPN covered the event for channel 3.14 and the program attained record ratings by the Nonsense Rating Organization. At one point it appeared that Dagmon may have committed a foul, by stuffing straws into cast covering one leg. However Referee Delmot Shmize ruled that the rules were clear and that straws could be grasped by any body part, and that the cast affixed to Zhukovsky’s foot could be considered a body part, given that it could not be removed. Norflik promptly broke his right arm, followed by Artie Potlatch breaking all his appendages including the two that are not mentionable in the times. Zhukovsky commented “It’s a bit early to be breaking bones, the competition is still a year away.” To which Eleven Fingers responded with an unmentionable gesture indicative of his two now broken unmentionable appendages.

FAMILY AND FUN
NEW TEEN FAD – VOMIT HURLING
What’s the latest teen fad in HOTO? Why it’s Vomit Hurling. With the return to reform schools across the province, Sonogno’s youth turn to happy pastimes and this year’s teen fad is vomit hurling. Teens compete for volume and distance in order to win praise and status from their peeps. Local teen Fanschool Netherbottom, son of famed Judge Netherbottom, competed at the HOTO Vomitorium for the title of Champion on Saturday. Fanschool came in second to Poncho Pilot in the fierce competition. When asked for comment about his success, Fanschool said “Not now, I’m gonna be sick.”

Friday, August 24, 2007

THEORISTS ATTACK
Sonogno was stunned this morning to learn that the famed Mouse Trap factory was heavily damaged in an attack by theorists. The building was reported burning at 4:30 pm on Saturday and the SL Fire Department responded swiftly at 8:22. A note was found at the scene, purportedly the work of the Theorists taking credit for the attack. The note claimed the attack was perpetrated by a previously unknown theorist group called the “Black Notational Front for the Liberation of Irrational Numbers”. The theorists claimed that the Mouse Trap Factory was using immoral serial numbers on its products and pricing them with morphological grammatical categories indicating an unreal quantity of referents. Professor Hindimith Nolork, of the Department of Real Numbers at the University of Sonogno commented: “While I cannot condone this remedial action by the theorists, I cannot condemn it either.” The SL Department of Insecurity and Incompetence did not return phone calls on this matter. Prominent Citizen Dagmon Zhukovsky said in an exclusive interview with the Times “I think it was a needless attack, no doubt a skeem of our neighbors trying to raise there property value... I tell you I will not submit to those children.”


COURTS OVERTURN LAW OF GRAVITY
In a stunning reversal of previous legal precedent, the Sonogno Supreme Court today, reversed the Law of Gravity. Chief Justice Honoree Millicent Netherbottom spoke for the 5 to 4 divided court in handing down the controversial decision. “The Common Nonsense clearly encompasses a tradition of flying and levitation within our lands. To restrict this implied right is a rejection of all things we hold sacred.” Speaking for the minority, Judge Philpot Onus said, “This is nuts.”


NAPKINS MAKE BETTER AIRBAGS

The SL Department of Enchantment and Conveyance today revised the inter SIM Carriage Safety Regulations to include the mandatory use of Napkins as Bump and Crump safety devices. A spokesman for the Carriage and Deportment Industry commented “It’s about time. Those airbags are nasty and polluting.” He continued, “And now we will have a place to wipe our noses when conveying from here to there”.


SEDATE TRANSIT DEBATE HOTS UP
The City Council will hold a debate on the new proposed Sedate Transit Development Plan at the Tiki House on Tuesday night. The Council is seeking the input of contractors, gentlemen, abattoirs, and other professionals. “Transportation in Sonogno is a mess and it’s only getting worse,” said Mayor Queeny. “We cannot grow without significant improvements in transit, and the new Sedate Transit Plan will guarantee our future” she continued.

Scientists from the Department of Paths and Easements have questioned the plan on safety grounds. “It’s a well known fact,” said Lesser Engineer Marrion Terrimak, “that the human body cannot move faster than 20 miles per hour.” She continued, “At that speed the flesh will be pulled from the bones and the paths and easements of SL will become a fleshy nightmare.” Bartolomo Spew, spokesman for the Civic Front for the Advancement of Road Kill, called for support of the plan. “Every one knows we cant let this snails pace transit policy continue to slime our paths,” he mumbled. Melba Tostie, a well know rabble rowser and town planning advocate said in a recent exclusive interview with the Times, “Imagine, you will be able to sedately and safely travel to all corners of Sonogno in no time at all. Why you could be at the lighthouse in less than 4 hours if we can complete the system, rather than the miserable 4 moments it takes today.” “How could any right thinking patriotic avatar oppose this plan, “ she asked.


VAPIRES STRIKE AT MIDNIGHT
Sonogno Vampires are set to strike at midnight tonight. The Guild of Vampires and Phlebotomists voted this morning to go on strike this evening unless their demands are met. The critical issues seems to be health benefits and overtime. A spokesman for the Hemoglobin Elicitation Industry Board of Traders said that the demands of the Guild were outlandish and that their actions would endanger the entire community and threaten our basic avatar values. “These miscreants are public employees and are therefore forbidden to strike” shouted Ashley Kate Republicrat Nominee for Governor of SL. The candidate continued, “We must return to our avatar values and to the objects of the founding mothers – such as life, libertine, and the perfuit of happineff. This strike is old fashioned and against the better classes of our classless society.” A spokesman for the Demican Party could not be found for comment at their headquartes in the bushes below the plaza. But it is a well know fact, that the Demican’s are composed of foreigners, unionists, illegals, and podiatrists who often support labor disruptions and civic chaos.


ALIEN GIVES BIRTH TO HUMAN
The Overseer of Clissa reported today that an alien had given birth to a human. The Times has dispatched if famed Foreign Correspondent Al Externus to report on this important event.


TALKING DOG FOUND IN PLAZA
To the amazement of the mob assembled in the Plaza, a talking dog was discovered among the dancing festive throng. The stunned assemblage was dancing and singing to the restrained sounds of the Pussycat Dolls in their rendition of “Memories”. Apparently the dog strenuously objected to the song and claimed that her rights were abridged since the song was speciest. “Woof. Stop this singing about cats,” growled the dog. “Woof woof, im an avatar too, don’t you have any common decency and respect for the Canine kind,” she howled. Chris Lanfair, prominent man about town and playboy philanthropist said, “Well it’s the season of the itch, so im not surprised by this revelation.” Mallory Sautereau claimed the bitch went by the enigmatic name of Frank. The mob ignored the howls of dissent by the unidentified dog and continued dancing to the lyrics of the Stray Cats, Cat Stephens, and Catatonia. The Sonogno Department of Animal Subjugation has been notified



ASHTON KURCHNER DOWNS IN POOL
Once famous TV actor Ashton Kutcher was found drowned in the swimming pool of the Tiki House on Tuesday Morning. Kutcher, known for his boyish virility and diminished capacity, was discovered floating face down in a martini glass near the pool. Police Sergeant Non-Non Nanette commented, “He was last seen alive about four years ago, im surprised to find him here in Sonogno. Just goes to show what a successful entertainment career brings you.” His body was removed to the City Morgue and he will be buried at city expense in the Insolvents Graveyard on Gollum Heights. Dagmon Zhukovsky, who discovered the body said “All I have to say is I had nothing (directly) to do with it although I had mentioned before that it would be a nice site to see, I’m not in anyway (directly) involved.”