DASTARDLY ATTACK
HOTO BOMBARDED BY THEORISTS
Yesterday, as the sun set over the HOTO Plaza and the sea pulled away from the shore, the Theorists struck at the very heart of civilization and decency, by bombarding HOTO plaza with dreaded cuboid texture bombs. In an exclusive to The Times, eyewitness Tek Cronon said, “They were rezing particle physics...large....of Jean Luc Picard, they were about 10x10 and had Michelangelo on them and then ninja turtle…”. Cronon described the terror of the attack, “Daggy (Dagmon Zhkovsky, Chief Engineer of the LN of SL) and I where here...I couldn't see anything else...there were so many particles… ...it was insane… about 5 cubes...but they were rezzing like crazy I tell you.” The vile theorist responsible, well known bad guy, OhSnoesMan Davies, was spotted leading the attack. Long wanted by the Lindens and the Central Insecurity Agency, Davies is a known correspondent of the Theorists who are protected by Clissa in the Nether Regions areas. After wreaking devastation in the plaza, and driving residents and guests alike running screaming from the area, the quick thinking Zhukovsky called for reinforcements from Governor Linden. Quick to respond to a rezing bombardment, the Governor eventually cleared the skies above HOTO.
EDITORIAL
TIT FOR TAT – TIME FOR A REALY STUPID AND FUTILE GESTURE
We are outraged at the particle physics attack on the women and children assembled in the HOTO plaza yesterday at sunset. The Editors of The Times think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part. The somebody in this case is US! Its time for Sonogno to be truly united and homogeneous in our fear and trepidation, and to strike out against those who lack common decency, the trappings of civilization, and a pronounceable alphabet. We call upon all citizens to redouble our past failed efforts in bringing the miscreants before the bar of common decency. Reboot Clissa! Reduce Clissa’s memory allocation. Restrict Clissa’s bandwidth. Remove them from the sisterhood of SL and bomb them with particle physics until they beg for submission to our civilized and fashionable ways.
SONOGNO TO DRAFT YOUTH FOR STRUGGLE AGAINST THEORISTS
“National service and sacrifice to protect our way of life is the duty of all youth of Sonogno,” said Senator Crosspond Fungis, (Republicrat for Sonogno). In prepared remarks before the gimps and senile of the Veterans of Domestic Wars, the Senator called for drafting all youths into the Armed forces. “These youths have had it too easy, with all their hop hip and bling bling. Dicisipline! Patriotism! Submission! These are the precepts of our fore-mothers and its time we instilled them into the youths of Sonogno” the senator screamed before the deaf the audience of three. “Too long have our youth been idle, taken their GED’s more than five times, and idlely flipped burgers for $L 7.23 an hour. No! No Longer! They need spine! They need to sacrifice for our well being. The youth must pay us back for all that we have provided… our sweat, our toils, our precious bodily fluids, and our pluck!” he droned on. “Every citizen who enjoys our free government must first have their freedom destroyed by subjugation to the will of adults and in particular the politicians and old farts who know what’s best. I truly believe that those who make the decision and those who support the Sonogno going into war would feel more readily the benefits of war, and the sacrifice of others, if they knew that the fighting force would include the affluent and excess slovenly youths,” the Senator concluded.
CONDOM FACTORY TO ADD FOURTH SHIFT & NEW FLAVOR
In a rush of patriotic fervor the former HOTO Rubber Spiders Factory, now converted to full time condom manufacture in support of the war efforts, has added a new production shift and added a new flavor. In addition to bitter lemon, spicy mango, and toast, the new flavor “beer” will be added. The new beer flavored condoms will be available for free by next summer to all officers in the military. Enlisted military will be charged a small fee.
BALL OF TEARS TO BE POSTPHONED
As the cream of Sonogno’s youth stream across the boarder with Io seeking hip-hop, bling bling, jobs that pay more than $L 7.23, and demands for youthful cannon fodder, the Charity Ball of Tears Committee has decided to postpone the ball for the benefit of the Find a Cure for AFK fund drive. Prissy Plumblossom, from a founding family of SL, socialite, and slinky bachelorette, informed The Times as she stepped across the boarder to Io, “This has nothing to do with the impending draft. We simply decided to take a vacation in sunny Io. Since the entire youth population of Sonogno decided to go we had no option but to delay the fete. No new date has been set for the ball.
JET BLAU ANNOUNCES SERVICE TO COMPETE WITH BLIMP
Jet Blau is expected to announce daily service to the Capital in competition with HOTO’s famed Blimp service. The blimp service, made infamous by its motto “we crash slow” will find stiff competition in Jet Blau who’s motto is “we cant crash, cause we never leave the tarmac!”
JOBS
Wanted -- Shift Workers at Rubber Spider Plant. Must be good with needles. $L 7.23 per hour. Smokers welcome. No believers in Ohm need apply. Subject to security and background check. Must speak French.
EAR WAX MINE HITS MOTHER LOAD
The International Ear Wax and Phlegm Corporation today announced a major find of high grade ear wax near Sodom’s Mountain not far from the site where irony was discovered two weeks ago. A spokesman for the company said, “There is at least a 20 year supply here. All that SL will need well into the future our supply of this precious commodity is secure.” Ear Wax futures immediately fell two points on the Fumis Exchange.
HOTO BOMBARDED BY THEORISTS
Yesterday, as the sun set over the HOTO Plaza and the sea pulled away from the shore, the Theorists struck at the very heart of civilization and decency, by bombarding HOTO plaza with dreaded cuboid texture bombs. In an exclusive to The Times, eyewitness Tek Cronon said, “They were rezing particle physics...large....of Jean Luc Picard, they were about 10x10 and had Michelangelo on them and then ninja turtle…”. Cronon described the terror of the attack, “Daggy (Dagmon Zhkovsky, Chief Engineer of the LN of SL) and I where here...I couldn't see anything else...there were so many particles… ...it was insane… about 5 cubes...but they were rezzing like crazy I tell you.” The vile theorist responsible, well known bad guy, OhSnoesMan Davies, was spotted leading the attack. Long wanted by the Lindens and the Central Insecurity Agency, Davies is a known correspondent of the Theorists who are protected by Clissa in the Nether Regions areas. After wreaking devastation in the plaza, and driving residents and guests alike running screaming from the area, the quick thinking Zhukovsky called for reinforcements from Governor Linden. Quick to respond to a rezing bombardment, the Governor eventually cleared the skies above HOTO.
EDITORIAL
TIT FOR TAT – TIME FOR A REALY STUPID AND FUTILE GESTURE
We are outraged at the particle physics attack on the women and children assembled in the HOTO plaza yesterday at sunset. The Editors of The Times think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part. The somebody in this case is US! Its time for Sonogno to be truly united and homogeneous in our fear and trepidation, and to strike out against those who lack common decency, the trappings of civilization, and a pronounceable alphabet. We call upon all citizens to redouble our past failed efforts in bringing the miscreants before the bar of common decency. Reboot Clissa! Reduce Clissa’s memory allocation. Restrict Clissa’s bandwidth. Remove them from the sisterhood of SL and bomb them with particle physics until they beg for submission to our civilized and fashionable ways.
SONOGNO TO DRAFT YOUTH FOR STRUGGLE AGAINST THEORISTS
“National service and sacrifice to protect our way of life is the duty of all youth of Sonogno,” said Senator Crosspond Fungis, (Republicrat for Sonogno). In prepared remarks before the gimps and senile of the Veterans of Domestic Wars, the Senator called for drafting all youths into the Armed forces. “These youths have had it too easy, with all their hop hip and bling bling. Dicisipline! Patriotism! Submission! These are the precepts of our fore-mothers and its time we instilled them into the youths of Sonogno” the senator screamed before the deaf the audience of three. “Too long have our youth been idle, taken their GED’s more than five times, and idlely flipped burgers for $L 7.23 an hour. No! No Longer! They need spine! They need to sacrifice for our well being. The youth must pay us back for all that we have provided… our sweat, our toils, our precious bodily fluids, and our pluck!” he droned on. “Every citizen who enjoys our free government must first have their freedom destroyed by subjugation to the will of adults and in particular the politicians and old farts who know what’s best. I truly believe that those who make the decision and those who support the Sonogno going into war would feel more readily the benefits of war, and the sacrifice of others, if they knew that the fighting force would include the affluent and excess slovenly youths,” the Senator concluded.
CONDOM FACTORY TO ADD FOURTH SHIFT & NEW FLAVOR
In a rush of patriotic fervor the former HOTO Rubber Spiders Factory, now converted to full time condom manufacture in support of the war efforts, has added a new production shift and added a new flavor. In addition to bitter lemon, spicy mango, and toast, the new flavor “beer” will be added. The new beer flavored condoms will be available for free by next summer to all officers in the military. Enlisted military will be charged a small fee.
BALL OF TEARS TO BE POSTPHONED
As the cream of Sonogno’s youth stream across the boarder with Io seeking hip-hop, bling bling, jobs that pay more than $L 7.23, and demands for youthful cannon fodder, the Charity Ball of Tears Committee has decided to postpone the ball for the benefit of the Find a Cure for AFK fund drive. Prissy Plumblossom, from a founding family of SL, socialite, and slinky bachelorette, informed The Times as she stepped across the boarder to Io, “This has nothing to do with the impending draft. We simply decided to take a vacation in sunny Io. Since the entire youth population of Sonogno decided to go we had no option but to delay the fete. No new date has been set for the ball.
JET BLAU ANNOUNCES SERVICE TO COMPETE WITH BLIMP
Jet Blau is expected to announce daily service to the Capital in competition with HOTO’s famed Blimp service. The blimp service, made infamous by its motto “we crash slow” will find stiff competition in Jet Blau who’s motto is “we cant crash, cause we never leave the tarmac!”
JOBS
Wanted -- Shift Workers at Rubber Spider Plant. Must be good with needles. $L 7.23 per hour. Smokers welcome. No believers in Ohm need apply. Subject to security and background check. Must speak French.
EAR WAX MINE HITS MOTHER LOAD
The International Ear Wax and Phlegm Corporation today announced a major find of high grade ear wax near Sodom’s Mountain not far from the site where irony was discovered two weeks ago. A spokesman for the company said, “There is at least a 20 year supply here. All that SL will need well into the future our supply of this precious commodity is secure.” Ear Wax futures immediately fell two points on the Fumis Exchange.
No comments:
Post a Comment