KINETICISTS ANGERED BY LINDEN LEGISLATION
Kineticists all over Second Life were unanimous in their denunciation of Governor Linden’s proposed changes to the Laws of Physics. The new legislation, proposed by the Governor, and presented to the Senate of Second Life, disallows the effect of non-virtual or real world effects on the powerful and established principal of momentum. In other words, the well established rule of: P=mv will be changed to P=mv-(mr*vr). Where mr and vr are mass and velocity in non-virtual space. Speaking for the Union of Concerned Kineticists, Soft Body Dynamics, and Fleshy Things (UCKSBDFT) Arlo Hamilton, said that if this law is passed by the Senate then nothing in SL will ever move again. “Stasis will result and the universe will collapse,” said Hamilton. Both the Republicrats and the Demicons support the legislation as an energy conservation measure, while the Peas-Porridge Hot party opposes the initiative as wasteful of inertia. The legislation will be taken up by the Senate as soon as it awakes from its nap.

MAN BITES SHARK ON AMAZON BEACH
In answer to every news paper reporters dream, a shark was bitten by a man off Amazon Beach in Sonogno yesterday. The shark, Alfred (last name withheld to protect his family from retaliation), reported to Dannik Saackbutt, Sheriff Sonogno, of a vicious attack by an unknown human about thirty yards off the beach. Said Alfred “I was surfing just off the shoreline, when I was dragged under. At first I thought it was a joke, perhaps a seal or somebody was making funny, but as I surfaced I saw shark blood in the water and I realized I was in trouble.” Bystanders on the beach reported seeing a human avatar, with big teeth, perhaps a lesser white avatar, cruising the beach area and mumbling something about getting even with the so called Ovoviviparity Clan. The shark, was evacuated from the beach by The HOTO Cat Rescue and Emergency Squad and was taken by emergency blimp to Dr. Benway’s clinic in Madam Bitters Hotel. Following 30 stitches, the shark was released and allowed to return to the sea. Amazon beach will remain closed for several days and beach patrols have been increased.

HOTO EXTENDS TWISTED BINGO NIGHT
Mayor Queeny Qimby announced today that Twisted Bingo Night, a popular sport among the elderly set, will be extended into the winter season by popular demand. Reflecting the aging population of Second Life, Twisted Bingo has grown greatly in popularity over the last few months. Twisted Bingo operator Chris Llanfair said, “With the banning of all gambling in Second Life by the Governor, the old people need new entertainments, distractions, and sedatives. Since the ancient mainstay of the elderly, opium and gambling, is not available in Second Life, we must find new ways to assist the old folks as they idle away their useless hours until their eventual doom.” For those not familiar with the excitement of twisted bingo, patrons are only shown a bingo card for ten seconds after which they must commit the card to memory. The Bingo pot is now in excess of $L 12,320,000 since no one can remember their play cards.

GOVERNOR LINDEN ORDERS BOARDER SURVEY WITH CLISSA
Governor Linden, in a futile attempt to cool the rising fever of war with Clissa has called for a determination of the exact lay of the border between the two provinces. A spokesman for the Governor, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Peregoric, Prince de Benevente, commented to the press that now that Sonogno has removed its army from the border, a survey may be performed to end the dispute. If both parties agree then a peace patrol may be formed to prevent the advisories’ from throwing bagels, insults, and Roquefort wheels at each other. Mayor Quimby welcomed the proposal, while the evil overseer of Clissa, Barron von Thundergast denounced the initiative as an attempt by the Governor to raise the price of corruption. The survey team arrives on Wednesday to begin its work.


ORGANIC MOVEMENT TAKES FOOTHOLD IN SL
While the organic movement has become all the rage in Real Life, it has had little impact on Second Life until this week, when the Movement For Organic Fellowship was formed by concerned avatars in the Capital. An overflow crowd of seven Avatars met atop a virtual dung heap outside the Second Life Senate building and raised the virtual Green Flag of Primitive Desires and took the oath of Organic Splendor. No spokesman came forward to talk to The Times so we have very little to add to the description provided above, except to note that the Kentucky Fried Bunnies restaurant quickly sold out of those tasty hot Bunny Wings with the tangy rancho dressing.

FLICKED BIC BURNS BED
The HOTO Volunteer Fire Department and BBQ Squad was called to an emergency on Monday night at around 9:40 am at the condo next to Madam Bitters Hotel. A burning mattress was extinguished at about 8:30 pm followed by wanton looting and thugery by the department. The cause of the fire was attributed to long time homeless vagrant Flicked Bic and his main squeeze Lotta Falaffel. The HOTO Police declined taking Bic and Falaffel into custody, but did warn them that burning a mattress without a permit is a misdemeanor in HOTO.