SONOGNO TIMES SOLD TO RUPRECHT MURDSTONE
Ruprecht Murdstone, head of Lupine News Corp, and media mongol, has apparently purchased the Sonogno Times. Following a series of midnight trysts with Chris Llanfair, representative for the Llanfair Family Trust and Cabal, which owns the paper, a secret pact seems to have been signed by all parties. Under the agreement, Lupine News will not inter-fear with the current vile editorial content of the paper. Unfounded rumors have been circulating around the plaza that Karl Grove, Retired Republicrat Mud Slinger, famous for his puppy eyes, kind face, and easy wit, will assume management of the paper. In preparation for this sale, the Llanfair Family Trust and Cabal ceased publication of the Sonogono Times weeks ago, replacing it with a new paper owned by the Llanfair Family Cabal and Trust.


HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN – SUBJECT OF THEOLOGICAL CONFAB
Theologians and worried people from all over Second Life met today at HOTO’s famed Forum, to discuss the age old question “How do I get to heaven?” Participants representing the major belief and non-belief systems of Second Life gathered to nosh on the tasty delights of Chef Coli of the famed HOTO gastronomic establishment Diarrhe’e, while discussing the weighty issues of life after reboot. Attending for the bigots was Pope Pascal, Head of the Believers in the Book of What (Ohm), Brother Vertex – Anointed Leader of the Octocostals, and Salvador Tinwhistle President of the Guild of Gods, Demigods, Deities, and Totems. Also in attendance was HOTO’s own Mother Superior Adel Flossberg of the Order of the Bloody Stain of Saint Hymenos the Benighted - Mothers of Earth Druids (reformed); and Squishy Paine, Chartered Ghost (ChG), Order of the British Ghost Empire Second Class (OBGEII), and the Official Ghost of HOTO. We took a few moments to ask the attendees of the various factions the question: “How do I get to heaven”. Here are the answers.

Pope Pascal, Believer in the Book of What (Ohm) – Bow down, live in shame, reject the ways of the flesh, and grasp firmly the Book of What between your thighs and murmur the great incantation

Adel Flossberg of the Order of the Bloody Stain of Saint Hymenos the Benighted –
Revel in your inner demons; give all your money to me, and ‘I’ll get you in.

Squishy Paine, Chartered Ghost – I have no idea. I’m stuck here.

Brother Vertex Octocostals – Accept the Way of Eight, never accept the non-eight.

Brother Mark – Accept His way, who died for your sins. Never file for rebates. As an added benefit of His Way, you can be as sinful as you want, as long as you reboot in His Name.

Igor Eisenstein, Professor of Conventional Wisdom U.of S., the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal – Use a GPS.

Bradford Cananticle Monforte IV, Royal, Dauphan of Second Life, Associate Professor, and famed historian.Head of Anti-Monarchist Party – Yous musts bes breededs for heavens. Onlys thes Poilois ans thes Nobs ares allowes ins.

Dagmon Zhukovsky, Chief Engineer Lesbian Navy – Use the TP point in the HOTO plaza.

The conference continues until Sunday when Guild Rules require all Gods, Demigods, Deities, and Totems to rest. Demons are exempted given that they are excluded from the Guild.

ART THEFT
Second Life awoke today to the stunning news that the “Mayonnaise Sculptures of the Ghanzi” on display at the Capital’s Elymr de Hory Gallery had been stolen. “This is a devastating blow to the art world and this loss of a priceless creation has diminished all of us,” said a spoksman for the Gallery. The exhibit, scheduled to move to the Tate Modern next week was discovered missing this morning.


SCIENTIST DISCOVER FABRIC OF UNIVERSE
– BEGIN PULL ON THREAD
Igor Eisenstein, Professor of Conventional Wisdom U of S, the smartest man in SL and winner of the bronze medal, announced today that Scientists, Phenomenologist’s, and Ontologists at the University of Sonogno, working with Bill Ockham at the Observatory of Posteriori, have uncovered the fabric of the universe. The fabric of the universe has been identified as a twill weave, where the weft yarns interlace with warp yarns in a floral and regular pattern. The resulting universe has a diagonal line (called a wale) on the surface. In this case a wide wale has been discovered. The fabric is composed of a generic fiber, also classified as a sub-category of rayon. The fabric may have been manufactured by the creator using a process that is more environmentally friendly than rayon. The dyes are in a wide range of colors, with a pleasant feel and has been well-accepted by the progenitors. In a continuing thrust for knowledge, scientists have begun to pull on the thread of the universe to determine what will happen, despite warnings by seamstresses throughout Second Life.


CRABS MOURN TEAMATE
HOTO’s first place Pi Ball team the Crabs, took time this week to mourn the loss of their teammate Bob “Old One Eye” Dungeness. Dungeness, who last season failed to make the team following a devastating bout of Hypochondiacal Detritis fell into a tub of boiling water on Wednesday. A celebration of Bob’s life and accomplishments will be held this evening with melted butter and lemon.

EDITORIAL
SEND ‘EM TO THE PINK HOUSE
Its time to get tough on the youth of Sonogno for shirking their duties in dying and getting maimed for their province. Mandatory service is honorable, even if you may loose a toe, or an eye, or perhaps your soul. Just look at the members of the Veterans of Domestic Wars – proud quadriplegics, grand gimps, and magnificent morons all. No, the youth need to submit to the collective will of the old farts who run this state. We agree with Senator Crosspond Fungis, (Republicrat for Sonogno) in prepared remarks calling for drafting all youths into the Armed forces. We support the Senator’s statement -- “These youths have had it too easy, with all their hop hip and bling bling. Dicisipline! Patriotism! Submission! These are the precepts of our fore-mothers and its time we instilled them into the youths of Sonogno” We urge HOTO’s volunteer SNOGGERS to patrol the border with Io and to capture all youths headed on “vacation” in Io and bring them to the bar of justice. We urge Judge Honoree Millicent Netherbottom, Chief Justice, to throw the books at them and send ‘em to the Pink House until they agree to lay down their lives in the noble cause of war with evil Clissa.