PRIVATE SMALL BEN ARRESTED FOR KIA

Small Ben, the only foot soldier in the Sonogno Army was arrested today at the front with Clissa, by Generals Black, Mill, Foods, and Electric, for the crime of KIA – Kissing In Action. Small Ben was accused of fraternizing with the enemy when he was discovered “sleeping” in the trenches with wenches from Clissa. “I thought I was doing my duty by showing the Clissa wenches our superior way of life and the true meaning of freedom,” said Ben as she was led away in irons. General Mills said “This is a grave offense. She let her guard down while the leadership was working tirelessly at the Tiki House pool on the master strategy, the dinner choices, preparing for the awards ceremony, and important stuff like that.” KIA is according to the Law of Military Injustice, a capital offense if committed by a private. Generals on the other hand get medals for KIA. The trial will be held on Tuesday and the outcome is grim for the private. The Army, now without any foot soldiers, has asked HOTO’s own SNOGGERS to defend the borders. “We can now all sleep in fear, as is our patriotic duty,” said General Electric as ordered another bottle of Chateau Puffe’nuff 65 from the Tiki House bar maids.
ADRIAN MUMPS ACCUSES DISGRACED SENATOR HYRUM FUNSTAS OF THE MURDER OF ASHTON KUTCHER
Super Sleuth Adrian Mumps was scheduled to end his visit to HOTO at 3:00 and board the afternoon blimp to the Capital. With only five minutes to spare, Mumps gathered all of the suspects together in a darkened room at the Tiki House. Attending the accusation were local playboy Chris Lanfair, an underage penguin (whose name cannot be revealed in order to protect his parents), armature detective Mallaroy Saturneau, Senator Hyrum Funstats, General Black Nimbus SRA, and the HOTO’s own SNOGGERS together with assorted bimbos, freaks, and NBA basketball players. At precisely 2:55 Mumps revealed the contents of the mysterious note left at the scene in which Senator Funstas admitted to the murder. As he was taken into custody Funstas claimed “I did say I did it, but I didn’t do it. I just thought it would be the easy way out. I do not molest penguins. No never.” As he was taken away he was seen to wink to both the underage penguin and Chris Lanfair.