SAILOR FALLS UP, CANNOT GET DOWN
The HOTO Cat Rescue and Emergency Squad responded to an incident at One Eyed Pete’s on Friday night. Sailor Dagmon Zhukovsky stumbled off the boat landing at the HOTO Plaza following the Midnight Ball and fell up. The Sailor was unable to get down due to exhaustion and confusion. Squad Captain Ataxia Messer and his crew responded immediately to the scene, after a slight delay to sober up. Messer said, “We were able to use the Negative Gravity Elastic Bounder thingies to complete the rescue in a short time.” “The gravitational disruptions throughout SL should dampen down within a week or so, so if you get skysick you should probably stay away from Sonogno or at least carry those little bags you steal from the blimp service,” she concluded.

PLAGUE OF HUMANS INVADE
The Sim of Rossa has been overrun by millions of swarming Human Avatars darkening the skies, stripping the land of everything not tied down, and sounding out a horrendous cacophony of deafening noise. Long time resident of Rossa Sim Maxxillae Locusta said. “Horrific, horrible, like something of biblical proportions, it’s just awful what this plague of Human Avatars has done. The land has been stripped bare, I don’t know what our children will have to eat come winter.” Norman Septemfasciata, author of the definitive book on Human Infestations and Plagues, “Homos Epidemica” (published by the Most catholic Junior University of Second Life) commented, “These human avatars are exhibiting all the all too common biblical behaviors noted by our foremothers. There are swarming humans, cutting humans, hopping humans, laughing humans and destroying humans. However, they will soon tire of their frolicking and move on.” Science is at a loss to explain how seemingly dull and inactive human avatars can be converted to a mindless nomadic wave of destruction.

SONOGNO’ SNOGGERS PATROL REAR AREAS
The SNOGGERS began night patrols of the rear area last evening. The group “Sonogno New Official Group Guarding Everyone Regardless of Status”, known locally as SNOGGERS, is patrolling those regions of the SIM that cannot be covered by our troop, Small Ben. Bartolomo Spew, Caudillo of the SNOGGERS, told The Times: “We must be vigilant, and virulent, and vicious with this enemy of civilization. We are keeping a special eye out for spies posing as young attractive female avatars. Special Eye Ora Oculus, dressed in a fashionable International Orange bark cloth shift with lovely Yellow and Green Oxfords, told The Times, “Yes Clissa is flooding our lands with spies, theorists, and saboteurs disguised as beautiful female avatars. We are keeping our eye on them and taking them into protective custody. We are holding them in the Cage Suite at Madam Bitters Hotel, and they available for interrogation by the hour. A small donation, payable to the SNOGGERS, is required.”


POLICE BREAK UP RACOUS REFORM SCHOOL BOARD MEETING
Friday night’s meeting of the Reform School Board erupted into a riot as Gnostics, Zoroastrians, and Shintoists challenged Creationism taught in the schools. The riot erupted during the presentation of the Annual Educational Adequacy Award given to Creationist Teacher, Sordeo Balatro. Shouting erupted during the ceremony with cries of “All is illusion!”, “Mud men, Mud men” “What about the Coconuts?” At one moment a pack of Jaines pummeled Sordeo Balatro with razor sharp rose petals and lavender scent bombs. Balatro commented after the meeting, as he was rushed to the hospital, “We are a tolerant people in SL, but these attempts to subvert our youth will not be tolerated. Creationism is a proven scientific fact.” The board plans no changes to the curriculum other than to increase spiritual abuse.